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In which Young Southpaw elaborates on the theory that Led Zeppelin’s final U.S. tour in 1977 was just an excuse for Jimmy Page to scout locations for a water park in Ohio, proposes that Johnny Marr should have played guitar for Ozzy Osbourne, clarifies that Samuel Taylor Coleridge was NOT in Duran Duran, takes a peek at the alternate universe where Lookout! Records released the Coverdale/Page album, and much more…
Taking in Family Ties, Scrabble, Christopher Columbus, Sandy Denny, occult symbolism, William Burroughs, Aleister Crowley, Iron Maiden, Judas Priest, Mötley Crüe, Guns N Roses, Def Leppard, RATT, Tom Petty, Shania Twain, Metallica, AC/DC, Deep Purple, KISS, Van Halen, The Electric Slide, The Cure, Wet Wet Wet, etc.
“Drive throughs…would be a whole lot more fun, you know..if water slides were involved. Of the ways that this could go, I mean it’s like a cow’s stomach, there’s a lot of ‘em.. But imagine you’re going to get some food, you drive up and order, then park your car, and you get out and go on a water slide. And at the end they give you your food, that sounds amazin’. Or maybe after you order you give your keys to a valet who then drives it to the end of the water slide so it’s waiting for you after you’ve gone down and then eaten. Or like at water parks you could place your order at the top of the water slide then you shoot down and someone passes it out to you just as you’re about to hit the bottom so you can like slide into the end and then walk out just chompin’ down on whatever you ordered you know. Or you know there could be like a big pool at the end where you can relax on a tube and enjoy your meal while you’re floatin’. They’d time it right so it doesn’t get all wet, I mean these are professionals. And you just pay attention to the simple instructions you know…
But this starts from even before we were even born, you know. Comin outta the womb, I mean you mighta had some thoughts… Maybe, maybe you placed some orders in the womb, who can remember that far back? Maybe just orders in the metaphysical sense, like what you expected outta life. And you slide out and…well, maybe eventually…though you might not even know when they’re realized, or maybe you do, you get this sense of something coming together just beyond your comprehension. And speakin’ of sense, are we in a sense, what our parents ordered? Will there need to be some umbilical cord at the water parks to ensure a safe passing off, maybe the first time you do it? Then you gotta cut that thing but the family ties still remain but not in a strictly physical sense anymore. Remember that episode of Family Ties where they’re playin’ Scrabble, and Stephen’s gettin’ all obsessed with the game as is his wont? And he insists that zoquo is a word, you know, from the Greek, meaning ‘water sports’. Well hello theme park! And we were just talkin’ about the mysteries of life, I mean that’s prolly what Zeppelin 4 was all about. I mean who knows the actual name of that record? It seems to be untitled, but people call it Led Zeppelin 4. The band themselves just say ‘the fourth album’. Some say the name is the four symbols on it, and I’ve heard others just say Zoso, which you know, was Jimmy Page’s symbol. I mean it can’t be just a coincidence that Zoso and Zoquo, what Stephen Keaton was sayin’, sound so much alike. I mean this is just one of those incidents when the true meaning of things pops up later in the most unexpected places. Cause if you look at the last Zeppelin tour of America, 1977, they played two nights in Cincinnati, Ohio – shout out to the Afghan Whigs – and then two nights in Richfield, Ohio. That’s a lotta time in one state. And that’s where the Keatons were from, Columbus, Ohio. Named after Christopher Columbus I would guess, double C you know. That’s two hundred in Roman numerals, and we had just had the bicenntenial in 1976 the year before the Zeppelin tour. Well I mean, I think it’s obvious. Jimmy Page was usin’ the tour as cover while he scouted locations in Ohio for his own water park.. Probably pickin up the mantle from Columbus, who hadn’t had the time to find the ideal location for one, and although that may have been his mission, after sailin’ across the Atlantic I imagine the last thing he might wanna do is go down a water slide. Especially if he’d have to build one first. And we were sayin’ before about the four symbols on Zeppelin 4 but actually there’s 5! You know Sandy Denny, sang on Battle Of Evermore. Well she got a symbol too. The three downward pointing triangles. And you know what the downward triangle represents – well, water of course – at least in occult symbolism. You know the upwards triangle is Fire, like that Hendrix song that the Real Red Hot Chili Peppers later covered you know, and makes sense cause fire is both red and hot.
I mean I have heard it conjectured, and now you will have too, that the only reason Jimmy Page was into the Dark Arts, as they call ‘em, you know all that occult stuff, was cause he was tryin’ to get a water park built, you know. Wanted to do it with the least amount of physical effort you know. And as fast as possible. Makes sense to me. I mean what do you think Goin’ To California was about, the beach over there, or When The Levee Breaks…phew! Could it have been more obvious? You gotta prepare for the worst, hope for the best, prepare for the worst. And you know he could channel all that water into something you know like Five Symbols Over Atlantis. Or Water Slides of The Wholly, but you know Wholly spelt with a W you know W H O L L Y so you keep the, well at least the looks of the Ws you know you know like Wim Wenders. Though there’s no V, or well is there? I mean Houses Of The Holy was the fifth Zeppelin album. Though I imagine this water park of Jimmy Page’s would just be called The Ocean, right? I mean keep it simple, you hire PR people that’s what they would tell you to name it. You could do Down By The Seaside but uh. And then the individual rides you know. I mean you’d have Fool In The Rain, based on the Tarot you know. Start the journey, get you soaked. Or maybe it’s a slight drizzle, I don’t know. Black Mountain Slide more like, you know. Moby Dick, Swan Song, these are all aquatic beings…
And then Stairway To Heaven, what else could that be but climbing up to experience the heaven of goin’ down a waterslide? I mean you were thinkin’ waterslide first time you ever heard that title, no? It’s the perfect description of one, now imagine adding to that, you know, gettin’ food delivered to you at the end. Aaaaaaaaand the satisfaction of placing an order at the top and havin’ it be completed, a wish come true, minutes later. Talk about heaven, that’s like Heaven 17, you know. Took their name from A Clockwork Orange. And then The Soft Machine – will there be vending machines at these water parks? I mean if you’re already getting food delivered to you, but then again they might not be delivered en route from one part of the park to another and you might get thirsty on the way. Well anyway, Soft Machine came from that William Burroughs novel of the same name, and then Steely Dan came from his Naked Lunch. But I mean there’s gotta be rules at these water parks you know, sanitation-wise, you gotta be wearin’ something while you eat…
And I don’t know if Page had the idea about servin’ food on the slides too but you got all those Lemons and Tangerines. And then Custard Pie is the first song on Physical Graffiti. And you got Candy Store Rock on Presence right before the 77 tour. And Hot Dog going into Carouselambra on In Through The Outdoor Door, I’m not sure that could be any clearer about eating at an amusement park of some sort…
And Jimmy Page bought Aleister Crowley’s manor you know, right on Loch Ness but he prolly soon realized that the water’s a bit too cold up there you know. And then Ozzy had that song Mr. Crowley, you know, it’s the same person, spelled exactly the same and referin’ to the same person. Crowley himself said ‘it is pronounced Crow-ley, to remind you that I’m holy, but my enemies say Crowley, and wish to treat me foully’, you know. But it’s a wonder that when Jimmy Page left Led Zeppelin, why he didn’t end up playin’ with Ozzy at some point? Seems like the two had a lot in common, you know. That’d be pretty cool. But you know what I’ve always thought…is that you know when Jake E. Leeeeee left Ozzy’s band in 1987 that was just when the Smiths were winding up. I mean wouldn’t it have been rad if Johnny Marr became Ozzy Osbourne’s next guitar player? You could have ‘The Draizey Train’, you know, ‘Panic on the streets of Birmingham’…
And what about intercom systems, ‘paging Mr. Page’, you know. I imagine that never gets old, at least for the people doin’ it. But how does Jimmy Page himself feel about it? How many times has he heard that? How many times does he have to be called over the PA? But I imagine at his water park, that this might be on his mind. Cause if he’s there while they’re building it, and you’d think if he’s spent so much time and effort getting this together, doing a whole Zeppelin tour as cover, well you’d think he’d be there to supervise the building of it, magical or otherwise. And they’re gonna have occasion to call him over the, the tannoy as they say. And then once it’s open they’ll be usin’ it a lot, cause they’re gonna have to be callin for kids who have lost their parents, or a shoe or somethin’you know. Or is he versed enough in magickal lore to know how to, how to divert these things, to take care of ‘em in a different manner. To send like ethereal scouts to just…maybe never have anybody lose anything you know. Unless like their minds if there’s a concert goin’ on there too you know. Or maybe he could just cast a spell a protection over the whole place or who knows! I don’t know what his plans were, ya know. He had a long career in music that kinda overshadowed all this…
But 1977 was the year of the Fire Snake, year of Punk Rock. Double 7’s. Crowley had that 777, ya know. And then there’s Six Flags Over Atlantis, I mean. You know it’s one of the holy elements you know, in both Eastern and Western mysticism – ‘water, water everywhere, but not a drop to drink’. Rime Of The Ancient Mariner, you know. Not the baseball team from Seattle, though it’s interesting they joined the American League in 1977. But Samuel Taylor Coleridge you know. Not one of the Taylors from Duran Duran of course it’s easy to get confused there but then Iron Maiden had that song Rime Of The Ancient Mariner too, ya know from Powerslave. I mean could it be a thing for metal bands to have their own themed water parks? I mean obviously Jimmy Page got there first but I’ve never seen any evidence that he copyrighted the idea. Or maybe you can just have one giant heavy metal water park. Rime Of The Ancient Mariner could be Maiden’s ride. Then you’d have like well, Turbo by Judas Priest. That cover sure looks like a fun slide to go down, that cyclone she’s got in her hand, I mean you’d whip round that. Motley Crue, they could have Wild Slide, ya know, and ya know Too Fast For Love. Ratt – Round and Round, I mean that’s perfect for a water slide. Guns N Roses could recreate that bit in the Estranged video where Axl’s all diving into the ocean you know…
Def Leppard had High N Dy, I mean the cover is a dude divin off a divin board! Maybe they were onto something. I mean the next album was called Pyromania. Well what do you require to put out all that fire? A whole lotta water, as Zeppelin almost sang. And Pyromania starts out with Rock Rock Til You Drop you know…
Tom Petty you know Free Fallin’ and I Won’t Back Down, I can’t think of two better songs that sum up my first experiences with water slides. I remember goin’ and there’s like those ones that are basically a vertical drop. I remember bein’ scared by it all, and Petty really addressed my concerns cause although I was frightened, I definitely wasn’t gonna back down. I mean some would say Petty’s whole career was about water parks, I mean he came from Florida…
But you know gettin’ back to more metal…
Metallica, well they could have…Ride The Lightning. Well, no, I mean that’s not safe mixin’ electricity and water. I mean you don’t wanna be all wet and get struck by lightning, that just seems dangerous. Well it’s dangerous to get struck by lightning anyway…
AC/DC, they got all those High Voltage, Powerage songs, maybe them and Metallica should open an electricity park. Shock Me, you know Kiss gettin’ in on it too, you know the Big, the Big Three. Though I don’t know how an electricity park would work, you know. What you would actually do, but uh, well I don’t know, this prolly isn’t a good idea. I don’t know who would go. You could see Deep Purple tryin to get in on the action too, combining Smoke On The Water you know…
But with electricity there was that whole dance The Electric Slide. I don’t pretend to understand it, I never could get the hang of it, never particularly wanted to, ya know. But I don’t know, I mean did that come about, was that like a test market for Kiss Metallica and AC/DC’s electricity park idea? You never can tell with these things, I mean the music business is a nefarious place, you know. All sorts of things going on at any given time and you know maybe all the music is just a cover you know. Like how Led Zeppelin’s 1977 tour was just to scout locations for water parks. But I mean it brought a lot of people happiness and rock n roll so what’s wrong with that?
But you know speakin’ of AC/DC and Def Leppard, what about Shania Twain? You know Up! Up up up it can only go up from here, etc. I mean imagine if she had like reverse water slides like you start off in the pool at the bottom and then you are somehow transported up to the top and then back down and then up again…Well that sounds a bit far-fetched, you know…
Then there was that whole Coverdale Page project. I mean Whitesnake, you know, that already sounds like a water slide. So does Slip Of The Tongue. Steve Vai on guitar. Well that Coverdale Page album had the Merge road symbol on it, you know, I mean that’d be dangerous. Probably not as dangerous as lightning slides or whatever technology Shania Twain is usin’ but I imagine it’s against the law to have water slides that flow into each other like that. I mean even with the best regulation – lifeguards, lookouts etc. – I imagine if people are cruising down separate tubes at high speeds towards the same part of a water slide – which in music is symbolized by the Coverdale Page album – well I’d think that ‘look out!’ would be yelled quite a bit, and they wouldn’t be talkin’ about Green Day’s first record label. Or you know the alternate universe where LookOut Records were the ones who released the Coverdale Page album, you know, issuing split singles with Operation Ivy and whatnot…
I mean it doesn’t even have to be just metal bands, we’ve already seen it with Shania, Def Lep, and Tom Petty, I mean anybody can open a water park! It’s a free country. Well it is here, I don’t know the rules in Europe but maybe that’s why Jimmy Page was scouting around Ohio. Liberty and justice and water parks for all. I mean that was probably almost the title of Metallica’s fourth album when they realized that water slides would be more profitable than electricity parks. But I mean the Cure could do it, on the Wish album they had From The Edge Of The Deep Green Sea. I mean heck on Disintegration they had The Same Deep Water As You, can’t get anymore blatant than that. AND! right before that was Prayers For Rain, you know, save themselves a lotta money if they’re usin’ natural resources like that. At their water park though I imagine they probably sell versions of the Head On The Door album with the song Sinking, you know quietly removed from the track listing. And the Faith album too has The Drowning Man replaced by their cover of the George Michael song Faith, you know. It’s tricky though with the goths. Does their love of the Cure and the excitement of going to something Cure-themed outweigh their dislike of being out in the Sun in bathing suits? But if it all comes together you’d think The Cure’d make a fortune in suntan lotion…
Then obviously there’s Van Halen, but I mean every water park by default, by the very nature of just being super fun is a Van Halen park, you know
And of course that band Wet Wet Wet should have one, you know. Did they ever cover Hot Hot Hot? I mean that just makes perfect sense to me that that should happen. Perfect sense! I mean of all the things that could ever have happened in the music industry, that seems to be why the music industry should’ve been created in the first place. Though Wet Wet Wet should stress that if they’re servin’ food on their slides you know, that it will not be too soggy to eat”
