Skip to content

Tag: Duran Duran

Episode Thirty Six – Bizarre Bear Triangles

Was an early version of Love Will Tear Us Apart written by the ancient Greeks? Were New Order slated to cover the entire Wizard of Oz score for the So I Married An Axe Murderer soundtrack? Did The Pixies think Salvador Dali might have replaced Ian Curtis in Joy Division?

Young Southpaw investigates.

“Love will tear us apart, I mean maybe ya know. I guess that’s a possibility. I’d certainly never thought of that before I heard the song. That’s kinda dark. Though you look at those photos of Joy Division, they’re all black and white as well, real gloomy…

But ya know love, maybe… like I said, but ya know what would definitely tear a couple apart? Bears! I mean why wasn’t it Bears Will Tear Us Apart? Same number of syllables, ya know? I’d have to think that just by using logic Ian Curtis woulda thought of that before love occurred to him. Comes first alphabetically too! In case like the charts were rigged that way. I guess A would be even better but… Can’t think of anything…axes? Nah, see that’s two syllables. And they more chop apart than tear. Though that So I Married An Ax Murderer had a pretty good soundtrack ya know. Ned’s Atomic Dustbin doin’ Saturday Night by the Bay City Rollers. Boo Radleys coverin The La’s There She Goes. Suede with My Insatiable One. Now that’s pretty dark when you’re talking about ax murderers. Insatiable, woo. I wonder if New Order were even considered for that soundtrack? They coulda done like…well Lions & Tigers & Bears was a chant, not really a song. But ya know how they had a certain fondness for like frog noises and whatnot, on singles no less? They coulda thrown the Lions & Tigers & Bears chant into their tune for the So I Married An Ax Murderer soundtrack. A knowing nod to their secret history. But wait a minute like what if New Order…covered the entire Wizard of Oz soundtrack… And like if you pressed play on it at the beginning of So I Married An Axe Murderer it was like the most psychedelic experience ever!

But I mean yeah again axes and definitely axe murderers chop more than tear. Could be a combo I guess. Not so snappy of a song title though, ya know – Axes & Axes Murderers Will Chop & Tear Us Apart. Rarely do such themes make it into the singles charts. Though So I Married An Axe Murderer was ultimately a film about love. So this is quite problematic…

But like what strictly tears? Eyes I guess, not in the same way of course. That’d be crazy if tears…teared…tore? I mean now we’re in Pixies territory, no pun intended. Though I don’t know, who knows the inner workings of my mind and what it means to intend and whatnot? But that’d be crazy if Debaser was actually a cover of Love Will Tear Us Apart. Done to point out exactly what I’m saying here about the tearing. Imagine if Salvador Dali went on to sing for Joy Division, they just kept the name after Ian passed and like Peter Murphy ended up bein’ their chauffeur. And that’s what that Duran Duran song is about! That makes perfect sense!

Though if it was a bear drivin’ a car, like if Peter Murphy couldn’t make it to work one day. I mean I assume if Peter Murphy was going to get someone to replace him, bear or otherwise, he’d make sure they could drive. Heck they even had that Spy In The Cab, he’d totally know who he was putting in charge of cartin Joy Division around. Heck, it might even be too much of a system. But let’s just say, like there’s a communication breakdown, Jimmy Page workin’ some dark magic ya know, and a bear who doesn’t have a license, doesn’t even know how to drive, has prolly never even been behind the wheel of a car before – or any vehicle, tractors and gold carts included – let’s just say this bear finds himself there. What can he do? Does his best, I’m sure. But there is a very real danger that this bear…could tear them apart… Just by wrapping them around a tree or somethin’. And the car, car would go first. This could be what the songs Confusion and True Faith are about, heck maybe even Everything’s Gone Green – ya know this bear just taking them all back to the woods where he knows it’s safe. Rather than on busy city streets with radio stations refusin to play Axes & Axe Murderers Will Chop And Tear Us Apart

But like back to what I was sayin’ about alphabetically, eyes would be out cause E comes after B. Though like Bear’s Eyes Will Tear Us Apart does sound real cool and poetic, heck even more intriguing than Love. Lots of people fall in love, or claim to for whatever reason. But how often do you come face to face with a pair of bear’s eyes? Then like they could be crying, the tears tearing apart…it’s all startin’ to make sense now… And like Paddington Bear, ya know! Keepin’ it English. I’m not sayin’ Paddington Bear was violent at all. And neither am I sayin’ Joy Division should have been playing children’s television shows. If that’s what you’re taking away from this, let me correct your misconceptions. Though I mean I don’t wanna take money outta their pockets either. I mean kids prolly woulda liked Dali’s moustache, not payin’ so much attention to the sounds coming out of the speakers…

Huh… Though there’s prolly some copyright stuff with Paddington Bear but like ya know I mentioned they liked sampling animal noises, I imagine since those were still early days of electronic music you’d need a live bear at some point in the equation. Like musos didn’t regularly have authentic bear samples on hand. I mean where do ya go? Well Liverpool, of course! Bill Drummond and Dave Balfe got Zoo Records going…

Woah, speakin’ of bears and Liverpool, there was that band Care  ya know. Paul Simpson and Ian Broudie. Care Bears ya know, woo! They had that tune Flaming Sword. Imagine facing that on the dancefloor! That’ll tear you apart. Well, I guess more slice though. But still, Care Bears With A Flaming Sword, now we’re talkin!

There were apparently a lot of animals in Liverpool at the time, certainly enough for a zoo – Lori & The Chameleons, Wild Swans, even Bunnymen – and then like all that Beatles memorabilia of course. Other cities prolly had Zoo Envy. Well how bout Zoos Will Tear Us – or heck Zeus! Will Tear Us Apart. I mean his lightning certainly would. Split you right in half. Like that Smiths song you know. And the Greeks woulda been fond of division too. Archimedes and his crew, all those cats. Maybe they even wrote Zeus Will Tear Us Apart and it’s just been floatin in the ether ever since for Ian Curtis ta pick up on thousands a years later. I mean I wonder how many songs this happens for…”

Leave a Comment

Episode Thirty Two – Strange Rains

In which Young Southpaw examines the dangers of It’s Raining Men even if it might get RATT back in the charts and posits the theory that Blind Melon’s No Rain might be a cover of GNR’s November Rain

Taking in Exodus, Metallica, Duran Duran, Tones On Tail, Flood, Erasure, Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds, biblical plagues, and much more

Leave a Comment

Episode Twenty Eight – Rainbow Tornado

In which Young Southpaw is dazzled by the heights and depths of rainbow tornado junkies and speculates what the wolves have to do with it all.

Taking in Ronnie James Dio, The Go! Team, chiropractors, The Wizard Of Oz, Scorpions, Duran Duran, Wolfsbane, Elton John, etc.

Leave a Comment

Episode Twenty Seven – Cannonball!

In which Young Southpaw ponders the potential of water-based Cannonball Adderley album covers, Depeche Mode in pie form, if otters – those perfect teatime companions – blink in and out of existence or to Hoth and back, and much much more

Taking in The Beatles, ‘Abbey Road’, Cannonball Run, Meg Ryan, Can, the letter H, ‘Otter Than July’, Star Wars, rattlesnakes, Duran Duran, candy, sugar, etc.

“Does Cannonball Adderley have any album covers of him just jumpin’ into a swimming pool? Cause that would be amazin’, ya know. Summertime fun. Or maybe even in winter ya know, why limit, especially in jazz. And like with cool jazz, maybe it could be like the polar bear club? Him just bounding off an iceberg into the freezing Artic sea. I mean people used to put a lot into their album covers. Well, I mean the Beatles wanted to call Abbey Road Everest but, well I’ve heard different stories, that it cost too much or that they didn’t wanna travel all that way just for a photo. But you got to, ya know! I mean imagine if The Beatles did that?! They coulda been the biggest band in the world! Alright I’m just playin’ with y’all but I mean imagine if John Lennon addressed imagining them making the trip on Imagine? And then we all get sucked into some infinite time loop? But back to Cannonball Adderley cause that’s like the best name ever. He played the alto, ya know – altitude… Maybe he shoulda gone to Everest! I mean what would Abbey Road have been like if it had all hard bop sax lines all over it? Well maybe it did, we don’t know. And they just didn’t make the final mix. Cannonball all doublin’ McCartney when he starts getting’ real into it on Oh Darling. I mean it’s a shame they took out the sounds of Cannonball jumping into the sea on Octopus’ Garden. I mean had he known they weren’t gonna use those recordings, would he still have taken time out of his day to travel down to the beach with a bunch of equipment to do it? But getting’ back to Miles, I mean if Cannonball had been in his band for Birth Of The Cool, shouldn’t that album cover have been Cannonball just shootin’ outta the womb? Knees clasped to his chest with his sax already in his hands? Man, there could be so many album covers. Like when prog started goin’ all wizardy, they could have ol Cannonball jumpin’ off the turrets of a castle. And of course expandin’ it to film, I mean had they known he was gonna die in 1975 they should have moved up the shooting schedule for all the Cannonball Runs. Well, I guess there were only two but I mean didn’t we all – don’t we all – want a third ya know? For the trifecta? Have it just be all crazy jazz with the crazy cars. I mean this would be the best movie ever! Burt Reynolds & Dom Deluise as jazz musicians, drivin’ some sorta crazy, well not a Honda Jazz, though that might actually be the craziest car they could possibly use! Dom Deluise all playin’ a bassoon in the passenger seat, addin’ to the soundtrack. And ya know with the bassoon being a double reed instrument would lead many to conjecture that both Donna and Oliver Reed had been written into the original script as being the dynamic duo who wins it this time. I mean that would be hilarious, ya know. But would that mean that ol’ Cannonball Adderley wasn’t the winner? Of any of the three films? That can’t be right. And which way are they goin’ this time anyway? I mean in the first film it was Connecticut to LA and in number two they were tryin’ to go back the opposite way but they never made it past Las Vegas. Well personally I think they should finish what they started ,ya know like that Van Hagar song, but go back to the city of angels to start fresh and go LA to Connecticut, ya know the Nutmeg State. Well maybe ol Cannonball’s partner could be like Nut Meg Ryan and she’s the favourite, it being her namesake and all. Ya know what’s crazy is that Nut Meg Ryan was also in the film City Of Angels, that remake of Wim Wenders’ Wings Of Desire with Nicolas Cage. Woo! That’d be awesome if her and Cannonball’s car in the film was named Wings Of Desire as a cool little reference ya know. Even though cars don’t have wings. Well did they in The Jetsons? Naw, I guess it was all just space age technology for old George and Jane…

But there’s no need to take it into space. I mean that’d just be cheating. Besides it’s a feel-good summertime movie, for us here on Earth to enjoy. Ya know like that Love & Rockets song, Here On Earth. Well I guess that’s confusin’ my point with the rockets and all. But I mean drivin’ cross country, when’s the best to do it so Donna Reed’s hair doesn’t get all messed up even though she’s not in the movie? Cause summer’s hot man, even if you’re takin the Northern route. And then of course you’re gonna be tempted to go see Paisley Park and ya just won’t have time if you’re gonna win the race…

But summer man… I remember there was that crazy compilation that Fierce Panda put out called Otter Than July which had a Rosita song. Which was that band after Kenickie. It was so good, Sugar, ya know… I don’t know if it’s the same Sugar that that crazy Fall Out Band were later talkin’ about, or even if it was addressing one half of who The Archies were singing to with Sugar Sugar… I mean there’s a lot of sugar in pop music, it’s like all sugar. Well maybe not Depeche Mode ya know. Well definitely after Speak N Spell when Martin Gore took it all to the minor key, ya know. But I mean let’s not be so quick here, cause before I knew that Depeche Mode translates as ‘fast fashion’ ya know, ya got that ‘peche’ in there which is French for peach and you know how I was talking about songs in soup form last time? Well doesn’t have to be just soup, I mean how bout a big ol slice a peach pie, A LA DEPECHE MODE! Ya know, it just like comes with the essence of Depeche Mode in it – not like all the band members, I’m not advocating cannibalism – but like that feeling you get when you listen to Black Celebration or Violator. I guess you could put it in a can. Mix it up with some prime Krautrock ya know. Like Tago Mago or Ege Bamyasi’s the Can album with the can on it, talk about meta. Though I mean of course they’re going to be on their own album – has any band ever done that? Not been on their own album? Cause they’re too busy at the diner orderin’ up slices of peach pie a la Depeche Mode…

How did I get here? Oh yeah, Otter Than July… That’s crazy, ya know. You get rid of an H, and I usually never approve of gettin’ rid of an H ya know. It bein’, well, one of my favourite letters ya know. It’s got the parallel lines like Blondie and then the connecting one like Elastica or The Stones. Kinda says it all about life in one letter ya know, as we travel down, strangers on this road we are on, as Dave Davies sang on that Kinks song. All going straight ahead on our own and that tiny connecting line in the H is the only thing that brings us together. I mean maybe that represents peach pie a la Depeche Mode, somethin’ I assume we can all get behind…

But I mean it’s July right now and I haven’t seen any otters. Though I haven’t seen any otters in a while. I’d love to ya know, like Philippe from Achewood. Be amazin’ to have tea with an otter, ya know. I mean they got two right in their name, always one to share. I mean that’s where they got their reputation as the most sociable animal from, they can share their tea while still keepin’ the two in their name. Something we can learn from the otter kingdom. And probably Mr. T too. The A–Team…T & A… Well, there’s a crass, naw it’s not crass, it’s the human body, what am I sayin’? Or you could go A then T. Like AT-ATs ya know from Hoth in Empire Strikes Back. Hoth in Summertime. I’ve never understood why the first three letters of planet Hoth, the ice planet, were H-O-T HOT ya know? And if you were in Europe you’d pronounce it Hot too, ya know like the silent H in Thames, that river over in London. But I mean there’s no rivers on Hoth ya know, it’s too darn cold. I mean did anyone working on the film raise this issue? Is it some sort of metaphysical conundrum? Are we supposed to be taking it that it isn’t really an ice planet at all, but just pure fire? Then why was Luke all frozen like that? Is it like when you run the bathtub and it’s so hot it actually feels freezing? While burning your skin off, burning from the in-naw, it’s not even burnin’ from the inside. It’s burning from the out-side. Like the opposite of Bauhaus, you know. And it necessitated slicing open a tauntaun – more T’s and A’s right there, and slicin’ it’s like a Pixies and anti-Bauhaus mash up over here. I mean are Tauntauns like Hoth’s version of otters? And Otter Than July, it’s not like otters disappear for some seasons ya know. I think they’re here year round, they just don’t blink in and out of existence. Or do they? Oscillating back and forth between being otters here and tauntauns on the fictional ice planet Hoth? I don’t think it works that way. You could be having tea with them at anytime, or more accurately, they’d be having tea with you – they got teas to spare ya know. I mean what other animals have a double T in their name? I mean I know it doesn’t automatically mean these animals have hot beverages to share. Hmmm… rattlesnakes… not so much… I wouldn’t wanna share no tea with no rattlesnake. Though it might be fun ya know, musical teatime. I’m all confused now, but I mean don’t they have like venom? You never know if you’re gettin’ venomous tea, it’d be a minefield, like rattlesnake tea roulette. Double T in there too. Kinda like when people eat those poisonous Japanese blowfish, it’s the thill of…not dying… Of course it’s not like the blowfish is servin’ themselves up… suicidal… Hootie & The Suicidal Blowfish… maybe not even suicidal. Maybe they’re just offerin’ themselves for the greater good ya know. Like Harrison Ford wanted Han Solo to do in Jedi…

But rattlesnakes, they don’t even have any hands, not a one, how are they going to serve you tea? They’re just sittin’ there shakin’ it, makin’ music, like a tambourine player ya know. Imagine havin’ a live rattlesnake mic’d up onstage. Another one for that John Lennon song, I guess. You’d have to imagine it, you wouldn’t want to do that. Then again bands don’t have tambourine players, it’s usually singers who pick one up when there’s a break in the vocals so they can be doin’ something when they’re not singin’. Ya know smackin’ against their bum and whatnot, the side of their thigh, while they’re doin’ the last chorus or whatever. Imagine doin’ that with a live rattlesnake, that would just be insane! I mean first of all I always picture rattlesnakes as coiled, and you go and grab one by the back of the head, start smackin’ it against ya – cause they’re not that loud ya know, you wouldn’t be able to hear it really – and it’d just be dangerous. And everyone…no one would be payin’ attention to the song, why are they doin’ this in the first place? The whole audience would just be like gobsmacked, thinkin’ when’s this singer gonna die? Or when are they gonna put down the snake ya know. We always have choices ya know. Just put down the snake…

Duran Duran might be into somethin’ like this, ya know Union Of The Snake. But what would it be uniting with? Well maybe…maybe the union is just this rattlesnake fallin’ in love with a tambourine. But you can’t count on this to happen for the live show, it’s not like either of them are actors. So for the performance of Union Of The Snake every night the band just go offstage and a rattlesnake slithers on, sees a tambourine stage right and they fall in love. And if you’re in an arena, how are people gonna see somethin’ that small on stage? I mean even with the video footage, be hard to tell that they’re fallin’ in love. Crazy ideas Duran Duran have sometimes…

And Simon Le Bon seems too smart to be bangin’ a rattlesnake against himself. This whole idea seems like something an up and coming band would be doin’ for attention. Unless they’re like true artists ya know, some sort of…shamen… Just channelin’ whatever…

But bringin’ a rattlesnake in the studio – for that sooooounddd ya know. What if this rattlesnake becomes like a permanent member of your band? Starts demandin’ stuff like Van Halen’s brown M&Ms bowl. Do rattlesnakes eat M&Ms? I don’t know! Maybe they do. Maybe they love M&Ms… I mean I can’t imagine a more appropriate candy. Actually I can, I take it back! I dare stand corrected. Ya know, with their little tongue all flickerin’ out – the Jolly Rancher is the ultimate candy for the rattlesnake. For any snake I would imagine. Well no! I’m not gonna go on record as sayin’ that. Let’s just go with rattlesnakes for now. I mean boas and anacondas where they squeeze the victim, you might want like a Twix. That’d be crazy to try and like squeeze it so the wafer pops out all in one go. In one piece too, and you’re just left with the chocolate, ya know just for the spectacle of seein’ like, of seein’ like the cookie shoot out from the chocolate… like a cannonball!”

Leave a Comment

Episode Twenty Five – The Def Leppard Conundrum

In which Young Southpaw asks are Def Leppard the Wounded Healer Beethovens of the musical world? Does there still exist a renegade Gaulish village inside of Sheffield? Why are all these ocelots obsessed with yachting? Why isn’t there an Asterix & Obelix adventure where they adopt a child with Kyle Minogue? Plus much more hijinx & intrigue

Taking in the films Beethoven, Who’s That Girl?, Wildcats, and Overboard, Pour Some Sugar On Me, Duran Duran, Rio, Led Zeppelin, jungle cats, On Through The Night, Pyromania, Hysteria, French, Tintin, The Wizard Of Oz, The Sex Pistols, Pink Floyd, Bill Haley & The Comets, etc.

Leave a Comment

Episode Twenty – Lions

In which Young Southpaw traces the early days of wildcats playing professional sports, David Bowie’s obsession with this phenomenon, plus the great feline foray into jazz and movie-making as the secret history of The Wizard Of Oz comes to light

Taking in lions, tigers, bears, Duran Duran, football, soccer, baseball, Def Leppard, Prohibition, the roaring 20’s, Detroit, Rockport MA, Helmut’s Strudel, Lowenbrau, Katy Perry, William The Refrigerator Perry, William Parry, Wire, T.S. Eliot, C.S. Lewis, and much more…

Leave a Comment

Episode Thirteen – Jimmy Page’s Water Park

In which Young Southpaw elaborates on the theory that Led Zeppelin’s final U.S. tour in 1977 was just an excuse for Jimmy Page to scout locations for a water park in Ohio, proposes that Johnny Marr should have played guitar for Ozzy Osbourne, clarifies that Samuel Taylor Coleridge was NOT in Duran Duran, takes a peek at the alternate universe where Lookout! Records released the Coverdale/Page album, and much more…

Taking in Family Ties, Scrabble, Christopher Columbus, Sandy Denny, occult symbolism, William Burroughs, Aleister Crowley, Iron Maiden, Judas Priest, Mötley Crüe, Guns N Roses, Def Leppard, RATT, Tom Petty, Shania Twain, Metallica, AC/DC, Deep Purple, KISS, Van Halen, The Electric Slide, The Cure, Wet Wet Wet, etc.

“Drive throughs…would be a whole lot more fun, you know..if water slides were involved. Of the ways that this could go, I mean it’s like a cow’s stomach, there’s a lot of ‘em.. But imagine you’re going to get some food, you drive up and order, then park your car, and you get out and go on a water slide. And at the end they give you your food, that sounds amazin’. Or maybe after you order you give your keys to a valet who then drives it to the end of the water slide so it’s waiting for you after you’ve gone down and then eaten. Or like at water parks you could place your order at the top of the water slide then you shoot down and someone passes it out to you just as you’re about to hit the bottom so you can like slide into the end and then walk out just chompin’ down on whatever you ordered you know. Or you know there could be like a big pool at the end where you can relax on a tube and enjoy your meal while you’re floatin’. They’d time it right so it doesn’t get all wet, I mean these are professionals. And you just pay attention to the simple instructions you know…

But this starts from even before we were even born, you know. Comin outta the womb, I mean you mighta had some thoughts… Maybe, maybe you placed some orders in the womb, who can remember that far back? Maybe just orders in the metaphysical sense, like what you expected outta life. And you slide out and…well, maybe eventually…though you might not even know when they’re realized, or maybe you do, you get this sense of something coming together just beyond your comprehension. And speakin’ of sense, are we in a sense, what our parents ordered? Will there need to be some umbilical cord at the water parks to ensure a safe passing off, maybe the first time you do it? Then you gotta cut that thing but the family ties still remain but not in a strictly physical sense anymore. Remember that episode of Family Ties where they’re playin’ Scrabble, and Stephen’s gettin’ all obsessed with the game as is his wont? And he insists that zoquo is a word, you know, from the Greek, meaning ‘water sports’. Well hello theme park! And we were just talkin’ about the mysteries of life, I mean that’s prolly what Zeppelin 4 was all about. I mean who knows the actual name of that record? It seems to be untitled, but people call it Led Zeppelin 4. The band themselves just say ‘the fourth album’. Some say the name is the four symbols on it, and I’ve heard others just say Zoso, which you know, was Jimmy Page’s symbol. I mean it can’t be just a coincidence that Zoso and Zoquo, what Stephen Keaton was sayin’, sound so much alike. I mean this is just one of those incidents when the true meaning of things pops up later in the most unexpected places. Cause if you look at the last Zeppelin tour of America, 1977, they played two nights in Cincinnati, Ohio – shout out to the Afghan Whigs – and then two nights in Richfield, Ohio. That’s a lotta time in one state. And that’s where the Keatons were from, Columbus, Ohio. Named after Christopher Columbus I would guess, double C you know. That’s two hundred in Roman numerals, and we had just had the bicenntenial in 1976 the year before the Zeppelin tour. Well I mean, I think it’s obvious. Jimmy Page was usin’ the tour as cover while he scouted locations in Ohio for his own water park.. Probably pickin up the mantle from Columbus, who hadn’t had the time to find the ideal location for one, and although that may have been his mission, after sailin’ across the Atlantic I imagine the last thing he might wanna do is go down a water slide. Especially if he’d have to build one first. And we were sayin’ before about the four symbols on Zeppelin 4 but actually there’s 5! You know Sandy Denny, sang on Battle Of Evermore. Well she got a symbol too. The three downward pointing triangles. And you know what the downward triangle represents – well, water of course – at least in occult symbolism. You know the upwards triangle is Fire, like that Hendrix song that the Real Red Hot Chili Peppers later covered you know, and makes sense cause fire is both red and hot.

I mean I have heard it conjectured, and now you will have too, that the only reason Jimmy Page was into the Dark Arts, as they call ‘em, you know all that occult stuff, was cause he was tryin’ to get a water park built, you know. Wanted to do it with the least amount of physical effort you know. And as fast as possible. Makes sense to me. I mean what do you think Goin’ To California was about, the beach over there, or When The Levee Breaks…phew! Could it have been more obvious? You gotta prepare for the worst, hope for the best, prepare for the worst. And you know he could channel all that water into something you know like Five Symbols Over Atlantis. Or Water Slides of The Wholly, but you know Wholly spelt with a W you know W H O L L Y so you keep the, well at least the looks of the Ws you know you know like Wim Wenders. Though there’s no V, or well is there? I mean Houses Of The Holy was the fifth Zeppelin album. Though I imagine this water park of Jimmy Page’s would just be called The Ocean, right? I mean keep it simple, you hire PR people that’s what they would tell you to name it. You could do Down By The Seaside but uh. And then the individual rides you know. I mean you’d have Fool In The Rain, based on the Tarot you know. Start the journey, get you soaked. Or maybe it’s a slight drizzle, I don’t know. Black Mountain Slide more like, you know. Moby Dick, Swan Song, these are all aquatic beings…

And then Stairway To Heaven, what else could that be but climbing up to experience the heaven of goin’ down a waterslide? I mean you were thinkin’ waterslide first time you ever heard that title, no? It’s the perfect description of one, now imagine adding to that, you know, gettin’ food delivered to you at the end. Aaaaaaaaand the satisfaction of placing an order at the top and havin’ it be completed, a wish come true, minutes later. Talk about heaven, that’s like Heaven 17, you know. Took their name from A Clockwork Orange. And then The Soft Machine – will there be vending machines at these water parks? I mean if you’re already getting food delivered to you, but then again they might not be delivered en route from one part of the park to another and you might get thirsty on the way. Well anyway, Soft Machine came from that William Burroughs novel of the same name, and then Steely Dan came from his Naked Lunch. But I mean there’s gotta be rules at these water parks you know, sanitation-wise, you gotta be wearin’ something while you eat…

And I don’t know if Page had the idea about servin’ food on the slides too but you got all those Lemons and Tangerines. And then Custard Pie is the first song on Physical Graffiti. And you got Candy Store Rock on Presence right before the 77 tour. And Hot Dog going into Carouselambra on In Through The Outdoor Door, I’m not sure that could be any clearer about eating at an amusement park of some sort…

And Jimmy Page bought Aleister Crowley’s manor you know, right on Loch Ness but he prolly soon realized that the water’s a bit too cold up there you know. And then Ozzy had that song Mr. Crowley, you know, it’s the same person, spelled exactly the same and referin’ to the same person. Crowley himself said ‘it is pronounced Crow-ley, to remind you that I’m holy, but my enemies say Crowley, and wish to treat me foully’, you know. But it’s a wonder that when Jimmy Page left Led Zeppelin, why he didn’t end up playin’ with Ozzy at some point? Seems like the two had a lot in common, you know. That’d be pretty cool. But you know what I’ve always thought…is that you know when Jake E. Leeeeee left Ozzy’s band in 1987 that was just when the Smiths were winding up. I mean wouldn’t it have been rad if Johnny Marr became Ozzy Osbourne’s next guitar player? You could have ‘The Draizey Train’, you know, ‘Panic on the streets of Birmingham’…

And what about intercom systems, ‘paging Mr. Page’, you know. I imagine that never gets old, at least for the people doin’ it. But how does Jimmy Page himself feel about it? How many times has he heard that? How many times does he have to be called over the PA? But I imagine at his water park, that this might be on his mind. Cause if he’s there while they’re building it, and you’d think if he’s spent so much time and effort getting this together, doing a whole Zeppelin tour as cover, well you’d think he’d be there to supervise the building of it, magical or otherwise. And they’re gonna have occasion to call him over the, the tannoy as they say. And then once it’s open they’ll be usin’ it a lot, cause they’re gonna have to be callin for kids who have lost their parents, or a shoe or somethin’you know. Or is he versed enough in magickal lore to know how to, how to divert these things, to take care of ‘em in a different manner. To send like ethereal scouts to just…maybe never have anybody lose anything you know. Unless like their minds if there’s a concert goin’ on there too you know. Or maybe he could just cast a spell a protection over the whole place or who knows! I don’t know what his plans were, ya know. He had a long career in music that kinda overshadowed all this…

But 1977 was the year of the Fire Snake, year of Punk Rock. Double 7’s. Crowley had that 777, ya know. And then there’s Six Flags Over Atlantis, I mean. You know it’s one of the holy elements you know, in both Eastern and Western mysticism – ‘water, water everywhere, but not a drop to drink’. Rime Of The Ancient Mariner, you know. Not the baseball team from Seattle, though it’s interesting they joined the American League in 1977. But Samuel Taylor Coleridge you know. Not one of the Taylors from Duran Duran of course it’s easy to get confused there but then Iron Maiden had that song Rime Of The Ancient Mariner too, ya know from Powerslave. I mean could it be a thing for metal bands to have their own themed water parks? I mean obviously Jimmy Page got there first but I’ve never seen any evidence that he copyrighted the idea. Or maybe you can just have one giant heavy metal water park. Rime Of The Ancient Mariner could be Maiden’s ride. Then you’d have like well, Turbo by Judas Priest. That cover sure looks like a fun slide to go down, that cyclone she’s got in her hand, I mean you’d whip round that. Motley Crue, they could have Wild Slide, ya know, and ya know Too Fast For Love. Ratt – Round and Round, I mean that’s perfect for a water slide. Guns N Roses could recreate that bit in the Estranged video where Axl’s all diving into the ocean you know…

Def Leppard had High N Dy, I mean the cover is a dude divin off a divin board! Maybe they were onto something. I mean the next album was called Pyromania. Well what do you require to put out all that fire? A whole lotta water, as Zeppelin almost sang. And Pyromania starts out with Rock Rock Til You Drop you know…

Tom Petty you know Free Fallin’ and I Won’t Back Down, I can’t think of two better songs that sum up my first experiences with water slides. I remember goin’ and there’s like those ones that are basically a vertical drop. I remember bein’ scared by it all, and Petty really addressed my concerns cause although I was frightened, I definitely wasn’t gonna back down. I mean some would say Petty’s whole career was about water parks, I mean he came from Florida…

But you know gettin’ back to more metal…

Metallica, well they could have…Ride The Lightning. Well, no, I mean that’s not safe mixin’ electricity and water. I mean you don’t wanna be all wet and get struck by lightning, that just seems dangerous. Well it’s dangerous to get struck by lightning anyway…

AC/DC, they got all those High Voltage, Powerage songs, maybe them and Metallica should open an electricity park. Shock Me, you know Kiss gettin’ in on it too, you know the Big, the Big Three. Though I don’t know how an electricity park would work, you know. What you would actually do, but uh, well I don’t know, this prolly isn’t a good idea. I don’t know who would go. You could see Deep Purple tryin to get in on the action too, combining Smoke On The Water you know…

But with electricity there was that whole dance The Electric Slide. I don’t pretend to understand it, I never could get the hang of it, never particularly wanted to, ya know. But I don’t know, I mean did that come about, was that like a test market for Kiss Metallica and AC/DC’s electricity park idea? You never can tell with these things, I mean the music business is a nefarious place, you know. All sorts of things going on at any given time and you know maybe all the music is just a cover you know. Like how Led Zeppelin’s 1977 tour was just to scout locations for water parks. But I mean it brought a lot of people happiness and rock n roll so what’s wrong with that?

But you know speakin’ of AC/DC and Def Leppard, what about Shania Twain? You know Up! Up up up it can only go up from here, etc. I mean imagine if she had like reverse water slides like you start off in the pool at the bottom and then you are somehow transported up to the top and then back down and then up again…Well that sounds a bit far-fetched, you know…

Then there was that whole Coverdale Page project. I mean Whitesnake, you know, that already sounds like a water slide. So does Slip Of The Tongue. Steve Vai on guitar. Well that Coverdale Page album had the Merge road symbol on it, you know, I mean that’d be dangerous. Probably not as dangerous as lightning slides or whatever technology Shania Twain is usin’ but I imagine it’s against the law to have water slides that flow into each other like that. I mean even with the best regulation – lifeguards, lookouts etc. – I imagine if people are cruising down separate tubes at high speeds towards the same part of a water slide – which in music is symbolized by the Coverdale Page album – well I’d think that ‘look out!’ would be yelled quite a bit, and they wouldn’t be talkin’ about Green Day’s first record label. Or you know the alternate universe where LookOut Records were the ones who released the Coverdale Page album, you know, issuing split singles with Operation Ivy and whatnot…

I mean it doesn’t even have to be just metal bands, we’ve already seen it with Shania, Def Lep, and Tom Petty, I mean anybody can open a water park! It’s a free country. Well it is here, I don’t know the rules in Europe but maybe that’s why Jimmy Page was scouting around Ohio. Liberty and justice and water parks for all. I mean that was probably almost the title of Metallica’s fourth album when they realized that water slides would be more profitable than electricity parks. But I mean the Cure could do it, on the Wish album they had From The Edge Of The Deep Green Sea. I mean heck on Disintegration they had The Same Deep Water As You, can’t get anymore blatant than that. AND! right before that was Prayers For Rain, you know, save themselves a lotta money if they’re usin’ natural resources like that. At their water park though I imagine they probably sell versions of the Head On The Door album with the song Sinking, you know quietly removed from the track listing. And the Faith album too has The Drowning Man replaced by their cover of the George Michael song Faith, you know. It’s tricky though with the goths. Does their love of the Cure and the excitement of going to something Cure-themed outweigh their dislike of being out in the Sun in bathing suits? But if it all comes together you’d think The Cure’d make a fortune in suntan lotion…

Then obviously there’s Van Halen, but I mean every water park by default, by the very nature of just being super fun is a Van Halen park, you know

And of course that band Wet Wet Wet should have one, you know. Did they ever cover Hot Hot Hot? I mean that just makes perfect sense to me that that should happen. Perfect sense! I mean of all the things that could ever have happened in the music industry, that seems to be why the music industry should’ve been created in the first place. Though Wet Wet Wet should stress that if they’re servin’ food on their slides you know, that it will not be too soggy to eat”

Leave a Comment
css.php