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Episode Thirty – C.G. Ramone

Published December 1, 2019

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In which Young Southpaw looks into the theories about the great psychoanalyst C.G. Jung’s time as a member of The Ramones, detailing the band’s part in the whole Construction Time Again – Appetite For Destruction cycle while calling bull on Freud’s Louisa May Alp-cott speculations, and much else

Taking in the Sex Pistols, Buzzcocks, Live Aid, The Clash, Young Frankenstein, David Bowie, Eurythmics, R.E.M., Subhumans, Sonic Youth, etc.

“Lotsa people be like ‘Southpaw, you crazy! Talking bout Jung’s influence on the 80s records while skippin’ over his whole involvement with the punk movement like that. As if the Spirit of 77 never even happened. But people have been asking this question since the dawn of time – who was Carl Jung’s favourite OG punk band?’

I mean Sex Pistols, Buzzcocks you know seem more Freud’s cup of tea. I’m not saying he had tea made out of…male members, not even pandas though I’ve heard, I’ve heard that’s an aphrodisiac… But I just don’t know how that would have any bearing on who Freud… or anyone’s favourite punk band was… Unless it was like Never Mind The Bullocks just put, ya know, the other thing…in a cup a tea

But punk was rebelling against all that! Or so they claimed. I mean Buzzcocks, that’s your caffeine hit right there. But we can’t just sit around drinking tea all day – no matter what it’s made out of – to try and figure out where Freud’s punk allegiances lie. I mean maybe he had his own underground band goin’ on in Vienna, ya know. That although it stayed true to the spirit of punk, it was a bit too avant-garde for them to be invited on the Anarchy In The UK tour. Then some people even claim that, fed up with this lack of commercial success, despite wishing to at the same time remain true to his artistic ideals – I mean you can see where psychoanalysis came from – well some claim that, with all this going on, Freud actually became a founding member of Ultravox

But then ya know with Live Aid and everything, We Are The World, I mean what a throwing down the gauntlet to Jung. I mean if anything We Are The Collective Unconscious

But I mean Jung’s punk bands – woo! – I mean you’d prolly think of The Clash first of all, right? With all that stuff going on underneath the surface of consciousness, all you have to reconcile. Or maybe the Clash should have been Freud and Jung’s supergroup, ya know, after their famous split

But I’m just gonna say it. I mean though I have no documentary proof of this, I think it was The Ramones. I mean let’s look at the facts

Young Frankenstein comes out in 1974. I mean obviously they couldn’t spell it with a J, it’s an American film. But ya know, it takes place over there around Central Europe. Ya know right near Jung’s native Switzerland. The alps ya know, like ALP in Finnegans Wake and ya know Joyce is buried in Zurich. Louisa May Alp-cott, ya know… Not quite. I mean Little Men and Little Women, Freud you can’t be usin’ that, that wasn’t her name. But ya know Alps, the Sound Of Music ya know, predictin’ punk rock! And Julie Andrews’ film before that was Mary Poppins ya know – pop, pop music. I mean no wonder so much punk just sounded like pop songs played real fast, ya know…

But back across the ocean, over in New York City in 1974 the Ramones are forming. And you know David Bowie always knew what was really goin’ on. I mean next year in 1975 he goes and releases Young Americans to let us all know…that this up an coming punk band…are probably gonna be the famous Swiss psychoanalyst Carl Gustav Jung’s favourite punk band. Bowie was hip, man

Then there’s the whole thing that people claim Jung was actually in the Ramones for a while. For a lot longer than you’d expect too. I mean the arguments about this go back and forth, and prolly will for aeons ya know. But the story goes that when the Ramones released Pleasant Dreams, Jung felt it was time to speak up. For dreams, can be anything but pleasant. It was a conversation he would also later clarify with the Eurythmics… And so during the European leg of the Ramones tour in November of that year they found the time to meet up, at a Burger King – Jung’s suggestion, thinking it might force some sort of unconscious confrontation with the lyrics of Oh Oh I Love Her So – and, sources say, here Joey Johnny and the gang were so impressed that they just immediately handed Jung a leather jacket and jeans. Magically just his size. And from there on out, they got down to some serious work. C.G. Ramone paving the way for C.J. to come thru in ’89. The band honouring Jung right before this happened with naming their greatest hits collection Ramones Mania. And then when C.J. joined the first album is called Brain Drain?! That’s almost enough for me to rest my case

But let’s look at the facts. Right after this little talk at the Burger King – some say it was in Spain and that Mondo Bizarro points to this, others claim it would’ve without a doubt been in Germany – but anyways the next Ramones album was Subterranean Jungle. Jung’s name right in there. And what a better metaphor for the collective unconscious than a subterranean jungle. My goodness, those boys were onto something. And what’s the big hit off of Subterranean Yungle or Jungle however you wanna pronounce it? Well only Psycho Therapy!

This was in 1983 too, tying into the whole theory broached last episode that the great cycle of the world can be seen in the movements between that year’s Construction Time Again and 1987’s Appetite for Destruction. 1985 being the midway point, the center of it all, where the craziest things can happen. Like David Lee Roth leavin’ Van Halen. And that precisely did occur. R.E.M. was hip to this early on too, man. Again an issue of dreams not being so sweet. Psychic TV, woah, there ya go. But they had that album Dreams Less Sweet released in 1983 same year as Sweet Dreams are made of this who am I to disagree etc.

But R.E.M. right smack in the middle of the whole Construction/Destruction cycle, right there in 85 go on and release Fables Of The Reconstruction! Trying to hip the world to the fact that there’s a better way, the synthesis the sages have known for ages is coming. I mean look at some of those songs too – Maps & Legends, Life & How To Live It…foooo!

The Subhumans too! Another choice for favourite punk bands. I mean they broke up in 85 but they knew what was up back in 83, released From The Cradle To The Grave to point to the start of the cycle all over again

I mean it was a crazy world in 1985. Especially at the beginning with the proposed balance approaching, Freud planning Live Aid from the afterlife and all that. I mean it was all too much for Carmen Sandiego. And to show you how crazy it was, no one was really asking the question ‘if Carmen Sandiego is anywhere else in the world besides San Diego then what is really going on?’

But the Ramones knew. Especially with ol C.G.’s help – the C.G. I in the triangle as some were calling it – I mean they knew what was coming and prepared for it, openly declaring in 1984 that they were Too Tough To Die. Knowing that things often don’t survive such transitional phases as the switch to the Appetite side of the spectrum. They even went so far as to piss off Freud with Mama’s Boy, making sure they weren’t asked to participate in the Live Aid proceedings

1985 saw no new album from the Ramones

But 1986 with Animal Boy saw them heading back towards the primal, Mental Hell off that album further evidence of the Swiss doctor’s behind the scenes workings

And then, most tellingly, 1987 rolls around – the year we hit peak Appetite For Destruction. And we get Halfway To Sanity. I Lost My Mind and I Wanna Live bold proclamations of the journey they were on

And then as boldly as it began, it all seemed to scatter. A Slothrop-like fading out of the narrative… Was this an effect of the cycle? Or something else? Some claim they couldn’t have a C.G. and a C.J. both in the band while others were all for this balancing the J’s of Johnny and Joey, and with Jung’s role never being clearly defined or at least not made public, it made things all the more problematic. Especially with his last name startin’ with a J

Some look for him going on into the future, providing inspiration for countless other bands. I mean Sonic Youth? C’mon – Jung, Youth. I mean as if Expressway to Yr Skull and Schizophrenia weren’t enough they only go and release Goo in 1990. Carl Goo! Though people will point to Confusion Is Sex putting them more in the Freudian camp. This debut of course coming out in 1983. And thus the great cycle continues”

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Episode Twenty Nine – Jung Guns…& Roses, Of Course

Published November 24, 2019

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In which Young Southpaw explores Carl Gustav Jung’s relationship with albums released in the 80s and beyond, wonders if Jung and Axl Rose ever actually did have a band together, shows the effect of Van Halen & Def Leppard on his Anima/Animus theory, explains how Depeche Mode and Guns N Roses embody the process of the great cycle of life, and so much more

Taking in The Creatures, The Police, Inherent Vice, ABBA, Thom Yorke, Radiohead, shamen, Appetite For Destruction, Freud, Frankie Goes To Hollywood, L.A. Guns, Girl, Young Guns, 101, the spirit world, the collective unconscious, Construction Time Again, 5150, etc.

“People musta been all like ‘Jung, you crazy! Postulatin’ a collective unconscious like that. What you playin’ at? Everything’s connected? I mean even in a game of Connect Four, there’s gotta be a winner and a loser and then the game stops. How you go about explainin’ it, the rules are different in your dreams?’ Tryin’ to laugh him off… And keep in mind, this being Swiss German, they’re all pronouncin’ it Connect Fear… Little do they know they’re playin’ right into the great man’s theories. But Jung remains cool as ice, sticks to his guns, he knows what he’s talkin’ about. He’s all in touch with the future, like he knows Van Halen and Def Leppard are gonna come along. Heck, he’s even channelin’ them for some his theories… You know singin’ all ‘Anima!’ Confusin’ the title of that Def Lep single with the tune of VH’s Panama you know… But can you blame him? Things get all mixed up in the collective unconscious… going ‘Anima! Animuh-huh-huh-huh-huh,us’… And it starts to give him his Anima/Animus theory and in the process providing Siouxsie and Budgie the title for their third Creatures record… Of course not the first time Jung was involved in naming albums. He was apparently doin’ that left and right, givin’ old Stingy and the Police boys Synchronicity… Of course I mean the irony of it being that no one’s policing the collective unconsciousness. You can just steal people’s phrases and release multi-platinum albums there without anyone batting an eye… Or any royalties coming back across the aeons… Or I guess just decades, ya know… Then ol’ Thom Yorke of Radiohead – I mean wasn’t Jung the OG Radiohead pickin’ up all the signals like this… Well I guess not, I mean shamen have been doin’ it for ages… But just this year Thom Yorke released an album too called Anima… Which surprisingly was not just a covers album of precisely one half of that Creatures record… And he made a short film to go along with it directed by Paul Thomas Anderson… Who you’ll all know made the only film of a Tommy P novel, ol’ Inherent Vice!… Which you’ll recall had lots of police stuff in it – I mean woah ya know…all Bigfoot Bjornsen and all that… I mean does the actual Bigfoot, ya know Sasquatch, have an anima himself, provided this creature – woah – is male… Or you know an animus if Bigfoot’s a female… And woah though Bigfoot Bjornsen, well I mean who’s one of the most famous Bjorn’s of all-time?… Only him outta ABBA… And talk about the perfect balance between male and female, they were 2 and 2, ya know. The Noah’s Ark of pop music. And Jung wasn’t even Swedish to know all this

But Jung’s not too concerned with credit, or with all these naysayers. He knows what’s coming up in 1987, anticipatin’ it like a mofo, when he will be justified with the release of Appetite For Destruction and it’s lead off track, Welcome To The Jung-le. I mean of course Axl couldn’t pronounce it like that, ya know give the game away. I mean it’s not that easy, like the next song on the record would imply. Oh you wanna go through it track by track? Talk about takin’ the Nightrain from Zurich to Vienna to go hang out with Freudy Freud. Out To Get Me, Mr. Brownstone… well I guess I’m just namin’ tunes right now but ya know, you wait til you get to side two with Think About You, Sweet Child O’Mine, and You’re Crazy. I mean start thinkin’ about those songs and Freud’s theories and you won’t have to look very far. You just need a little Patience, as they would later sing. There’s the rumor that Freud once threw him outta his study for punning on that GNR song whilst talking about their, their medical patients ya know, but I’m not buyin’ it. But you can hear him, clear as day, saying to Freud ‘my way, your way, anything goes’

But gettin’ back to Welcome To The Jungle, I think Jung himself was prolly expectin’ it to be a more straightforward cover of the Frankie Goes To Hollywood single ‘Welcome To The Pleasuredome’. You know with the band being from Liverpool and all and Jung having had that crazy dream about Liverpool that he recounts in his autobiography. But Axl had different ideas. I mean imagine if Jung and Axl had a band and it was just called Gustav & Roses, ya know. Keep the G, keep the G U part of the Guns. Like keeping the rest of the history the same, and by this I’m not implying that Jung and Tracii Guns are the same person. I’m just condensing things for simplicities’ sake. But if the band LA Gustav combined with Hollywood Rose… like if Jung spent some time in LA, like as, as a street performer. Maybe a mime, yeah probably a mime, sometimes being a mime is the only way to blow off some psychoanalytical steam, especially on the other side of the world like that… But Jung’s just hangin’ out in Hollywood one summer, Echo Park, Silverlake… Ridin’ a unicycle between these neighborhoods just to confuse people you know, ‘let ‘em think I’m a clown,’ he says. Not out loud of course cause he is, at heart, a mime. But because he’s not actually sayin’ anything ever, no one knows a thing about him. They just start callin’ him LA Gustav and then soon enough he’s in a band with Axl Rose, sellin’ millions of albums, gettin’ songs on the Terminator 2 soundtrack. I tell you the collective unconscious is a wild place…

But now that I think about it, of course LA Guns are involved! I mean way back before all this there was that English glam band Girl – ya know, the whole anima concept – and who was the lead singer? Well, only Phil Lewis of course! Later to front LA Guns. But back in Girl Phil Collen was playin’ guitar – just like Bowie said Ziggy did! So when Jung’s all channelin’ Def Leppard’s Animal but to the melody of Van Halen’s Panama of course but actually singing Anima, well you know Girl’s all mixed up in there too…

But all this is a just a precursor for what he senses is coming, as all the shamen have throughout the ages. Which is 1988 rolls around, and what movie is released to great fanfare? Young Guns, of course! Junnnnng Guuunnns. And this is right after Appetite for Destruction comin’ out in 87 – Jung Guns & Roses ya know – I mean Jung was clearly on that spirit trip with Lou Diamond Phillips, Diamond In The Rough, the Rough & Tumble…all those tumbleweeds blowin’ in the desert, you know… La Bamba comin’ out the year before, same year as Appetite though years after that Disney cartoon La Bambi. But Ritchie Valens ya know and this movie with Billy The Kid, well Kid Rock’s last name is Ritchie! It’s amazin’ what you learn in the spirit world. And this is only like Spirit World 101, ya know like that Depeche Mode live album that came out just the year after, in 89. Eighty-nine, am I right?

But ya know some say it’s all just a great cycle of that earlier Depeche Mode album Construction Time Again and then Appetite For Destruction. And then a smaller number of those somes say that one day there will be a great synthesis and it will be Appetite For Construction Time Again. Which most will credit Depeche Mode for predicting with their pre-album single Get The Balance Right

Now Jung he didn’t discriminate. He could listen to both Depeche Mode and Guns N Roses without worryin’ anyone’s gonna call him a poseur. Ya know catchin’ their soundwaves off the great collective unconscious wireless way back in the 30s or let’s just say 50s ya know to make it seem even. Like 50/50 showin’ he doesn’t really favor either band despite possibly havin’ been in Gustav & Roses with Axl, and I mean Axl was a big Depeche Mode fan too. Apparently called them up when they were comin to the States and sang them Somebody over the phone. So I think it’s gotta be 50/50. Though sadly there are no real records to indicate what he thought of 5150 and the split with Roth. I mean if he’s acceptin’ synthpop like this but also a fan of guitars as shown with GNR and of course him gettin’ the Anima concept from Panama…well I think he’d be cool with 5150. Might even claim it’s the best of both worlds, though careful to not mention in the 50s the psychic schism he could foresee with Roth leaving the mighty VH in 1985. Which you’ll be sure to notice is the exact midpoint between Construction Time Again coming out in 1983 and the 1987 release of Appetite”

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Episode Twenty Eight – Rainbow Tornado

Published November 20, 2019

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In which Young Southpaw is dazzled by the heights and depths of rainbow tornado junkies and speculates what the wolves have to do with it all.

Taking in Ronnie James Dio, The Go! Team, chiropractors, The Wizard Of Oz, Scorpions, Duran Duran, Wolfsbane, Elton John, etc.

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Episode Twenty Seven – Cannonball!

Published November 6, 2019

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In which Young Southpaw ponders the potential of water-based Cannonball Adderley album covers, Depeche Mode in pie form, if otters – those perfect teatime companions – blink in and out of existence or to Hoth and back, and much much more

Taking in The Beatles, ‘Abbey Road’, Cannonball Run, Meg Ryan, Can, the letter H, ‘Otter Than July’, Star Wars, rattlesnakes, Duran Duran, candy, sugar, etc.

“Does Cannonball Adderley have any album covers of him just jumpin’ into a swimming pool? Cause that would be amazin’, ya know. Summertime fun. Or maybe even in winter ya know, why limit, especially in jazz. And like with cool jazz, maybe it could be like the polar bear club? Him just bounding off an iceberg into the freezing Artic sea. I mean people used to put a lot into their album covers. Well, I mean the Beatles wanted to call Abbey Road Everest but, well I’ve heard different stories, that it cost too much or that they didn’t wanna travel all that way just for a photo. But you got to, ya know! I mean imagine if The Beatles did that?! They coulda been the biggest band in the world! Alright I’m just playin’ with y’all but I mean imagine if John Lennon addressed imagining them making the trip on Imagine? And then we all get sucked into some infinite time loop? But back to Cannonball Adderley cause that’s like the best name ever. He played the alto, ya know – altitude… Maybe he shoulda gone to Everest! I mean what would Abbey Road have been like if it had all hard bop sax lines all over it? Well maybe it did, we don’t know. And they just didn’t make the final mix. Cannonball all doublin’ McCartney when he starts getting’ real into it on Oh Darling. I mean it’s a shame they took out the sounds of Cannonball jumping into the sea on Octopus’ Garden. I mean had he known they weren’t gonna use those recordings, would he still have taken time out of his day to travel down to the beach with a bunch of equipment to do it? But getting’ back to Miles, I mean if Cannonball had been in his band for Birth Of The Cool, shouldn’t that album cover have been Cannonball just shootin’ outta the womb? Knees clasped to his chest with his sax already in his hands? Man, there could be so many album covers. Like when prog started goin’ all wizardy, they could have ol Cannonball jumpin’ off the turrets of a castle. And of course expandin’ it to film, I mean had they known he was gonna die in 1975 they should have moved up the shooting schedule for all the Cannonball Runs. Well, I guess there were only two but I mean didn’t we all – don’t we all – want a third ya know? For the trifecta? Have it just be all crazy jazz with the crazy cars. I mean this would be the best movie ever! Burt Reynolds & Dom Deluise as jazz musicians, drivin’ some sorta crazy, well not a Honda Jazz, though that might actually be the craziest car they could possibly use! Dom Deluise all playin’ a bassoon in the passenger seat, addin’ to the soundtrack. And ya know with the bassoon being a double reed instrument would lead many to conjecture that both Donna and Oliver Reed had been written into the original script as being the dynamic duo who wins it this time. I mean that would be hilarious, ya know. But would that mean that ol’ Cannonball Adderley wasn’t the winner? Of any of the three films? That can’t be right. And which way are they goin’ this time anyway? I mean in the first film it was Connecticut to LA and in number two they were tryin’ to go back the opposite way but they never made it past Las Vegas. Well personally I think they should finish what they started ,ya know like that Van Hagar song, but go back to the city of angels to start fresh and go LA to Connecticut, ya know the Nutmeg State. Well maybe ol Cannonball’s partner could be like Nut Meg Ryan and she’s the favourite, it being her namesake and all. Ya know what’s crazy is that Nut Meg Ryan was also in the film City Of Angels, that remake of Wim Wenders’ Wings Of Desire with Nicolas Cage. Woo! That’d be awesome if her and Cannonball’s car in the film was named Wings Of Desire as a cool little reference ya know. Even though cars don’t have wings. Well did they in The Jetsons? Naw, I guess it was all just space age technology for old George and Jane…

But there’s no need to take it into space. I mean that’d just be cheating. Besides it’s a feel-good summertime movie, for us here on Earth to enjoy. Ya know like that Love & Rockets song, Here On Earth. Well I guess that’s confusin’ my point with the rockets and all. But I mean drivin’ cross country, when’s the best to do it so Donna Reed’s hair doesn’t get all messed up even though she’s not in the movie? Cause summer’s hot man, even if you’re takin the Northern route. And then of course you’re gonna be tempted to go see Paisley Park and ya just won’t have time if you’re gonna win the race…

But summer man… I remember there was that crazy compilation that Fierce Panda put out called Otter Than July which had a Rosita song. Which was that band after Kenickie. It was so good, Sugar, ya know… I don’t know if it’s the same Sugar that that crazy Fall Out Band were later talkin’ about, or even if it was addressing one half of who The Archies were singing to with Sugar Sugar… I mean there’s a lot of sugar in pop music, it’s like all sugar. Well maybe not Depeche Mode ya know. Well definitely after Speak N Spell when Martin Gore took it all to the minor key, ya know. But I mean let’s not be so quick here, cause before I knew that Depeche Mode translates as ‘fast fashion’ ya know, ya got that ‘peche’ in there which is French for peach and you know how I was talking about songs in soup form last time? Well doesn’t have to be just soup, I mean how bout a big ol slice a peach pie, A LA DEPECHE MODE! Ya know, it just like comes with the essence of Depeche Mode in it – not like all the band members, I’m not advocating cannibalism – but like that feeling you get when you listen to Black Celebration or Violator. I guess you could put it in a can. Mix it up with some prime Krautrock ya know. Like Tago Mago or Ege Bamyasi’s the Can album with the can on it, talk about meta. Though I mean of course they’re going to be on their own album – has any band ever done that? Not been on their own album? Cause they’re too busy at the diner orderin’ up slices of peach pie a la Depeche Mode…

How did I get here? Oh yeah, Otter Than July… That’s crazy, ya know. You get rid of an H, and I usually never approve of gettin’ rid of an H ya know. It bein’, well, one of my favourite letters ya know. It’s got the parallel lines like Blondie and then the connecting one like Elastica or The Stones. Kinda says it all about life in one letter ya know, as we travel down, strangers on this road we are on, as Dave Davies sang on that Kinks song. All going straight ahead on our own and that tiny connecting line in the H is the only thing that brings us together. I mean maybe that represents peach pie a la Depeche Mode, somethin’ I assume we can all get behind…

But I mean it’s July right now and I haven’t seen any otters. Though I haven’t seen any otters in a while. I’d love to ya know, like Philippe from Achewood. Be amazin’ to have tea with an otter, ya know. I mean they got two right in their name, always one to share. I mean that’s where they got their reputation as the most sociable animal from, they can share their tea while still keepin’ the two in their name. Something we can learn from the otter kingdom. And probably Mr. T too. The A–Team…T & A… Well, there’s a crass, naw it’s not crass, it’s the human body, what am I sayin’? Or you could go A then T. Like AT-ATs ya know from Hoth in Empire Strikes Back. Hoth in Summertime. I’ve never understood why the first three letters of planet Hoth, the ice planet, were H-O-T HOT ya know? And if you were in Europe you’d pronounce it Hot too, ya know like the silent H in Thames, that river over in London. But I mean there’s no rivers on Hoth ya know, it’s too darn cold. I mean did anyone working on the film raise this issue? Is it some sort of metaphysical conundrum? Are we supposed to be taking it that it isn’t really an ice planet at all, but just pure fire? Then why was Luke all frozen like that? Is it like when you run the bathtub and it’s so hot it actually feels freezing? While burning your skin off, burning from the in-naw, it’s not even burnin’ from the inside. It’s burning from the out-side. Like the opposite of Bauhaus, you know. And it necessitated slicing open a tauntaun – more T’s and A’s right there, and slicin’ it’s like a Pixies and anti-Bauhaus mash up over here. I mean are Tauntauns like Hoth’s version of otters? And Otter Than July, it’s not like otters disappear for some seasons ya know. I think they’re here year round, they just don’t blink in and out of existence. Or do they? Oscillating back and forth between being otters here and tauntauns on the fictional ice planet Hoth? I don’t think it works that way. You could be having tea with them at anytime, or more accurately, they’d be having tea with you – they got teas to spare ya know. I mean what other animals have a double T in their name? I mean I know it doesn’t automatically mean these animals have hot beverages to share. Hmmm… rattlesnakes… not so much… I wouldn’t wanna share no tea with no rattlesnake. Though it might be fun ya know, musical teatime. I’m all confused now, but I mean don’t they have like venom? You never know if you’re gettin’ venomous tea, it’d be a minefield, like rattlesnake tea roulette. Double T in there too. Kinda like when people eat those poisonous Japanese blowfish, it’s the thill of…not dying… Of course it’s not like the blowfish is servin’ themselves up… suicidal… Hootie & The Suicidal Blowfish… maybe not even suicidal. Maybe they’re just offerin’ themselves for the greater good ya know. Like Harrison Ford wanted Han Solo to do in Jedi…

But rattlesnakes, they don’t even have any hands, not a one, how are they going to serve you tea? They’re just sittin’ there shakin’ it, makin’ music, like a tambourine player ya know. Imagine havin’ a live rattlesnake mic’d up onstage. Another one for that John Lennon song, I guess. You’d have to imagine it, you wouldn’t want to do that. Then again bands don’t have tambourine players, it’s usually singers who pick one up when there’s a break in the vocals so they can be doin’ something when they’re not singin’. Ya know smackin’ against their bum and whatnot, the side of their thigh, while they’re doin’ the last chorus or whatever. Imagine doin’ that with a live rattlesnake, that would just be insane! I mean first of all I always picture rattlesnakes as coiled, and you go and grab one by the back of the head, start smackin’ it against ya – cause they’re not that loud ya know, you wouldn’t be able to hear it really – and it’d just be dangerous. And everyone…no one would be payin’ attention to the song, why are they doin’ this in the first place? The whole audience would just be like gobsmacked, thinkin’ when’s this singer gonna die? Or when are they gonna put down the snake ya know. We always have choices ya know. Just put down the snake…

Duran Duran might be into somethin’ like this, ya know Union Of The Snake. But what would it be uniting with? Well maybe…maybe the union is just this rattlesnake fallin’ in love with a tambourine. But you can’t count on this to happen for the live show, it’s not like either of them are actors. So for the performance of Union Of The Snake every night the band just go offstage and a rattlesnake slithers on, sees a tambourine stage right and they fall in love. And if you’re in an arena, how are people gonna see somethin’ that small on stage? I mean even with the video footage, be hard to tell that they’re fallin’ in love. Crazy ideas Duran Duran have sometimes…

And Simon Le Bon seems too smart to be bangin’ a rattlesnake against himself. This whole idea seems like something an up and coming band would be doin’ for attention. Unless they’re like true artists ya know, some sort of…shamen… Just channelin’ whatever…

But bringin’ a rattlesnake in the studio – for that sooooounddd ya know. What if this rattlesnake becomes like a permanent member of your band? Starts demandin’ stuff like Van Halen’s brown M&Ms bowl. Do rattlesnakes eat M&Ms? I don’t know! Maybe they do. Maybe they love M&Ms… I mean I can’t imagine a more appropriate candy. Actually I can, I take it back! I dare stand corrected. Ya know, with their little tongue all flickerin’ out – the Jolly Rancher is the ultimate candy for the rattlesnake. For any snake I would imagine. Well no! I’m not gonna go on record as sayin’ that. Let’s just go with rattlesnakes for now. I mean boas and anacondas where they squeeze the victim, you might want like a Twix. That’d be crazy to try and like squeeze it so the wafer pops out all in one go. In one piece too, and you’re just left with the chocolate, ya know just for the spectacle of seein’ like, of seein’ like the cookie shoot out from the chocolate… like a cannonball!”

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Episode Twenty Six – Welsh Halloween

Published October 26, 2019

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In which Young Southpaw contemplates how the Welsh pronounce the word, where Van Halen’s brown M&M’s ended up, what Ozzy Osbourne’s comedy career would’ve been like while assuring Paul McCartney he wouldn’t be called a poseur if he too wanted to bite the head off a live bat, and much more

Taking in the word ‘ravenous’, ravens, geese, Edgar Allen Poe, Michael Caine, Batman, Black Sabbath, Thunderball, Mother Goose, etc.

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Episode Twenty Five – The Def Leppard Conundrum

Published August 19, 2019

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In which Young Southpaw asks are Def Leppard the Wounded Healer Beethovens of the musical world? Does there still exist a renegade Gaulish village inside of Sheffield? Why are all these ocelots obsessed with yachting? Why isn’t there an Asterix & Obelix adventure where they adopt a child with Kyle Minogue? Plus much more hijinx & intrigue

Taking in the films Beethoven, Who’s That Girl?, Wildcats, and Overboard, Pour Some Sugar On Me, Duran Duran, Rio, Led Zeppelin, jungle cats, On Through The Night, Pyromania, Hysteria, French, Tintin, The Wizard Of Oz, The Sex Pistols, Pink Floyd, Bill Haley & The Comets, etc.

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Episode Nineteen- Nietzsche, Time-Traveling Wu Tang Fan

Published April 19, 2019

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“He doesn’t wanna be bogged down with inventing cinema as well as bending the rules of physics, he just wants to get in his time machine and go to the movies…we’ve all been there…”

In which Young Southpaw queries if Nietzsche invented the Wu Tang Clan leading him to become a prototype for Dr. Who, wonders who the German philosopher was trying to bring to China to beat Wham! to it, and reveals ol’ Zarathustra’s plans for a highly irregular James Bond film.

Taking in European currency, the TARDIS, 36 Chambers, Shao Lin & Wu Tang, Intellivision, Cheers, ELO, Jeff Lynne, Elton John, Carl Douglas, Saturday Night’s Alright For Fighting, Kung Fu Fighting, Enter The Dragon, New Order, Power Corruption & Lies, Beyond Good & Evil, Twilight Of The Idols, RZA, Simon Napier Bell, James Bond, Nelson Algren, The Man With The Golden Arm, T. Rex, Marc Bolan, Tony! Toni! Toné!, Metal Guru, China, etc.

“The German philosopher Nietzsche said ‘Without music life would be a mistake’ That’s a really beautiful sentiment, you know. And he said this in the 1880’s. I mean imagine that, he didn’t have any streaming services you know. He didn’t even have an ipod! If he wanted to experience music he hadda go to some sort of orchestral hall or sumthin. And I mean, what if he wanted to see the Wu Tang Clan ya know? I mean he woulda had to first invent a time machine… And then travel, and he’d of had to figure out their tour dates ahead a time. I doubt he woulda like invented his time machine and been able to second guess where and when they were playin’, and just landed there and walked right in. And let’s not forget he woulda had like 1880 German deutschmarks. He woulda somehow have had to convert those to American money. Actually this was well before deutschmarks and I believe he was living in Italy when Twilight of the Idols, which had that quote, was published, so it probably woulda been like Italian lire. But I think you’ll find the point still stands. And too you know both them Germany and Italy been on the Euro for years ya know. And then I mean first he’d even have to invent the concept of the Wu Tang, did – did Nietzsche invent the Wu Tang Clan? You know, in order for him to want to go see them, he would’ve first have had to know about them. But I mean he coulda had a vision too, ya know. A prophetic dream perhaps. That seems more likely than him thinkin of the phrase 36 chambers and then inventing it all from there. I mean, would his time machine have 36 chambers? That’d be crazy, that’d be huge you know, for the first time machine ever invented. Imagine that, he shows up, sees Dr. Who with the TARDIS and thinks nothin of it, ya know. He’s like ‘I can do that, why don’t they give me my own television show, ya know’ And if that’s what he’s thinkin’, I would imagine he would have then immediately invented Intellevision, jumped back in his ship to the late 70s and started that company. I mean I guess you can take diversions like that ya know even if his trip was originally to see Wu Tang he can just program his ship back to the show. Cause like when he learns about all those kung fu movies then he has to go back to the early 80s to watch them, well he probably doesn’t ‘have’ ‘to’, but he gets overexcited and wants to see them in the cinema when they come out. Also check on how Intellevision’s doing, figure out how he can bring all those profits back to 1880’s Europa…

At some point he hops back to 1978 too to see the cinematic release of the 36 Chambers film. Wondering ya know if its based on or if they even mention his time machine. Which he’s nicknamed Diane, I mean you never hear about that in the official history of Cheers though that might have been a whole different show if it had been a time-travelin’ interdimensional bar ya know…

And he has such a good time after attendin’ the world premieres of that and Shao-Lin and Wu-Tang he decides he wants to see Enter The Dragon – I mean who doesn’t! – in the cinema when it comes out. So he heads back and with Shao Lin in his head he somehow hears about Jeff Lynn and ELO and this is a whole other trip, ya know… in more ways than one. And he decides to stick around again and revisit the late 70s, ya know and pay more attention when it gets real poppy. And he’s tryin’ to reconcile how kung fu doesn’t really go with Mr. Blue Sky but it’s a great song, ya know. But Last Train To London I mean maybe like the Wu were playin over in Wembley and he combined them all there and he’s like ‘this is magic, this is strange magic’ ya know…

But I mean maybe it, it happened the other way around, ya know. That back in the 1880’s, Nietzsche was thinkin of these kung fu films, I mean maybe, maybe, like ya know kung fu was around then… And maybe he was like man someone should invent some sort of celluloid that captures these. And ya know without thinkin’ that he could make a lot of money doin this, makin film and whatnot, he’s like I just wanna see ‘em, I gotta know for myself. I mean in my mind he’s pretty impetuous, ya know. So instead of just going and watching live kung fu somewhere, he wants plot, and selfless that he is, combined with the impetuousness, he doesn’t even think the story of a man building a time machine would in and of itself make a great film. He doesn’t wanna be bogged down with inventing cinema as well as bending the rules of physics, he just wants to get in his time machine and go to the movies, we’ve all been there. So like he heads to the 1970s and he’s just watchin all these kung fu films you know. And then he learns about ELO. But then he gets real into record collectin’. Maybe he decides to wait, go with it, maybe he’s hearing all the early hip-hop and he’s thinkin’ I know what’s comin’, and not even because he’s been to the future yet. Just thinkin’ I’m gonna ride this out… Just so happens he gets hooked up with a sweet bachelor pad in Staten Island, ya know, quickly filling up with vinyl. I mean he wrote music back in Germany but he’s not trying to produce any of this music himself, he’s just havin’ too good a time. And like maybe he had some vision of the RZA and is just content to wait it out til he gets on the scene. I mean to Nietzsche this is like vacation ya know. Well not like the Chevy Chase film though I mean it coulda been that Nietzsche was thinkin of opening his own movie theater, have like a double-header of Spies Like Us and Fist Of Fury on weekends ya know. But I mean he’s got his time machine, he can go back to the very day, the very second he left ya know…

I mean I don’t really know which way around it happened. Was it the films or the music first for Nietzsche ya know? The chicken or the wait that’s kung pao… But there must be a chicken pose ya know…

And maybe ya know, he was there the day New Order’s Power Corruption & Lies came out. Snatched that right up. Inspired him to write Beyond Good & Evil, ya know. Maybe went back and wrote it then came back again, wanted to see it live you know. I wonder how he felt cause back then they were only doin like 45 minute sets, no encore. I wonder if he thought it was worth it, maybe he saw em every night of the tour, maybe…maybe…maybe he got like real busy and he was just time travelin back and forth, he didn’t wanna wait, ya know. Once the concert ended he just pinged himself back to mid-19^th century Germany… or France, or Switzerland, or Italy, wherever he was livin at the time. Though the phrase ‘at the time’ is getting to be quite fluid, ya know. But you know he went back, got a full day of writing in, then fast-forwarded himself – well let’s not forgot getting some sleep, I imagine he’d be a little worn out from all this space-time navigation – so caught some z’s – or is it s’s in German? Huh…I mean sheep starts with an s, well in English anyway…huh…well I think in German too actually… Well either way I think you’d need your rest. I don’t know the effect time travel has on one, but he was a clever… clever man ya know. Maybe the 36 chambers of his version of the TARDIS, the original ya know, O G, well maybe that’s a mystical number and it was set up that way because it actually improves your health while you’re whipping around the eons. So regardless then he fast forwards himself to very beginning of the next show on the tour. I saw New Order at the Hollywood Bowl a few years back and they played for over two hours, it was great man. They did Atmosphere by Joy Division, they did Disorder which is one of my favourite songs. I wonder if Nietzsche went… I mean I didn’t know anybody there… though that’s not entirely true… I ran into my friend Josh completely out of the blue… I wonder if Nietzsche knew that was gonna happen and was havin a little chuckle to himself… But look at me getting’ all arrogant…

Maybe this was before Nietzsche got disillusioned with the whole pop music game, you know. He was just brimmin’ with enthusiasm back in the 70s and maybe he sat down Elton John and Carl Douglas and said ‘look guys I’ve got this song, Saturday Night’s Alright For Kung Fu Fighting’ and you know it really seemed to old Nietzsche – well I shouldn’t say old, I mean he was time travelin like a spry young man – but it really seemed to him like he was gonna be a major player in the music biz. Be like the next Simon Napier Bell, you know. The man who amongst many other things brought Wham! To China. I wonder who Nietzsche woulda brought to China ya know… Man, that woulda been rad you know, if Nietzsche had just persisted and like the two of them had a contest to see who would perform live in China first. Maybe Nietzsche had his eye on like David Sylvian’s Japan doing it… or like Tony Toni Tone for an all the T in China tour! Though he woulda hadda bring them back in the time machine if he was gonna beat Wham! to it. And the more people you get involved in that the more dangerous it gets… But back to Saturday Night’s Alright For Kung Fu Fighting, Nietzsche was just heartbroken ya know cause Elton John and Carl Douglas decided to just divide up the song and not even mention Nietzsche. Claimin’ you know that dividin’ it up changes the whole idea of it and the melodic structure so Nietzsche wasn’t owed any royalties. Got no credit for it whatsoever ya know…

But I mean if he was goin’ backwards and forwards in time anyway, he coulda grabbed Toni Tony Tone and then gone back to like 1972 and pulled in T Rex for this All The T In China tour. Or even just back to 1976, still plenty of time to beat Wham! with Futuristic Dragon you know. The whole astrological aspect of it, released in the year of the Dragon too. Or maybe he just did both ya know. And maybe that T Rex song Metal Guru was written about Nietzsche. You know he wrote about the Greeks quite a bit, had his own mythology, and there is no real record of what he was talking about in the pubs of the early 70s. Maybe he was inspirin’ the local heavy metal bands, ya know. And Marc Bolan just saw him one day and was all ‘look at that metal guru, sittin’ over there,’ ya know…

I mean I wonder if it was all – cause he was a busy man, bein’ involved in all these aspects of music – I wonder if he was claimin’ he didn’t have enough time to watch tv. Never, never really saw Dr. Who, but then like suddenly he’s wearin’ a cape, like Jon Pertwee you know. And his friends just ain’t buyin’ this. But Nietzsche’s claimin’ it’s just part of the magical lore for this heavy metal guru gig that he’s doin’…

But funnily enough the whole China thing did end up bein’ Wham! You know…which is like the action you would make if you were to bang a gong you know. But then Nietzsche’s all, he’s thinkin’ outside of the box. He’s watchin’ all these kung fu movies and he gets real into James Bond too ya know. And after Live And Let Die – he sure likes the early 70s ya know – he’s got this genius idea that The Man With The Golden Gun, ya know the book was never really finished so why don’t they just make a James Bond movie of Nelson Algren’s The Man With The Golden Arm? But have it be about a Kung Fu master, you know. Sounds like it’d be quite a difficult task to get right, but with all the time travelin he’s done you know he’s prolly thinkin’ I can do such things like go into the future and bring the whole Wu Tang Clan back to 1973. Have them collaborate on this Bond theme with Marc Bolan and it will just be the raddest thing ever you know….

But I mean all this is conjecture ya know, cause we do have solid proof that it didn’t happen. Cause I mean if he had heard that RZA as Bobby Digital album, there’s no way that wouldn’t have found his way into his writings, ya know, been incorporated into his philosophy. But then again, I mean I say that, but he knows how precious it is, he wouldn’t want to spook everybody. I mean even with his 36 chambered time machine, he knew he couldn’t take everyone into the future. That if everyone went into the future then we woulda skipped all that stuff that made the future ya know. And you don’t wanna run the risk of that. I mean what if you do and like those films never get made? You never enter the dragon you know… Or chase the dragon like the bad guys in that film… Or just listening to that first Suede album ya know…

Though ya never know…cause I’ve heard that in certain areas of Bavaria… in the 1890s… the phrase ‘bring da mutter-flippin’ rucksack’ enjoyed an unexplainable surge in popularity. But you know, could it have been because…well…”

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Episode Eighteen – Van Halen Child (Slight Return)

Published April 5, 2019

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In which Young Southpaw further explores Van Halen numerology, catching a glimpse of their shamanistic bilocation attempts in the Van Hagar era, conjectures what each of Earth Wind & Fire’s solo albums would be like, expresses his wish for Swedish singer Robyn to cover Robyn Hitchcock’s ‘I Often Dream Of Trains’ album in its entirety as ‘I Often Dream Of Trains Too’, and much more.

Taking in 1984, 5150, OU812, For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge, Van Halen II, Women & Children First, Fair Warning, “Fare Warning”, ‘Top Of The World’, Mr. Solo, The Offspring, Wilson Phillips, Nelson, The Go-Betweens, Jesus Jones, Jimi Hendrix, German, the soft J, Amon Düül II, Ash Ra Tempel, Julian Cope, ‘Yeti’, yams, yaks, Stevie Ray Vaughan, David Bowie, the US Festival, Tom Baker, Dancing In The Street, Black Sabbath, Superchunk, Aerosmith, The Ramones, Bad Brains, Fugazi, The Replacements, Hanoi Rocks, Kraftwerk, a-Ha, Led Zeppelin, trains, ‘Crazy Train’, etc.

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Episode Seventeen – She Sells Sanctuary Down By The Seashore

Published March 28, 2019

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In which Young Southpaw wishes The Cult would use Billy Dee Williams in their marketing campaigns, brazenly wonders about Thomas Pynchon’s footwear, and posits that the next Star Wars film may well be the sequel to Beach Blanket Bingo or at least should be

Taking in James Bond, the Singles soundtrack, Van Halen, the Pynchon in Public podcast, George Perec, palindromes, stripey socks, Mad Max, Tina Turner, etc.

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