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Episode Thirty Five – Star Wars With Jon Bon, Ally McB, & Cliffy C

“I don’t mean to imply that Star Wars was some sort of documentary about Ms. Flockhart and Jon Bon Jovi on the set of Ally McBeal”

In which Young Southpaw ponders why the Star Wars films didn’t have theme songs a la the James Bond franchise

Taking in The Indelicates, Thomas Pynchon, Inherent Vice, The Ramones, KISS, Rocky IV, Def Leppard, Metallica, David Bowie, Cheers, Cliff Claven, Hoth, Empire Strikes Back, Shirley Bassey, and much more etc.

 

“So I’m doin another podcast, one where I interview artists I really dig, it’s called Etcetera ETC with Young Southpaw. You can find it at all the places ya know. And last week’s one was pretty eye-opening man. I interviewed The Indelicates, a band I’ve loved for a long time, and Simon Indelicate pointed something out… Now it’s weird man, like I’m not exactly sure his last name is Indelicate, I wouldn’t put money on it, especially against him. But that’s the name of the band and so the last name he uses I’m pretty sure. I mean this is the way things have gone since The Ramones, since the end of last century, or I guess the last fifth of last century, that album came in 1980 I think… But ya know, hey ho, let’s go with it…

But speaking of real names, there was that character in Tommy P’s Inherent Vice novel called Vincent Indelicato. And well I can’t say that I’m not sure that that’s his real last name cause he’s someone that Thomas Pynchon created so like… I don’t know, I mean, he’s obviously a fictional character, but it’s probably the fictional character’s real last name. There was no indication in Inherent Vice that he was, that this was an alias, or that he was even in a band. I mean I doubt he was even in The Indelicates. Man, I guess I missed a trick. That I should have asked The Indelicates have they ever had any fictional characters, by Thomas Pynchon or otherwise, in their band. And then like this guy would have been a bit of a rebel too, insisting on Indelicato while the rest of them are Indeli-cate ya know…

But anyway like Simon Indelicate ya know…aka……..Simon Indelicate… pointed out that Jovi, ya know Jon Bon… his first appearance on record was actually that Star Wars Christmas album that came out in 1980 ya know. Woah same year as The Ramones’ End Of A Century! I wonder what that’s implying. I mean centuries can be used to measure the distance ya know like for a long time ago in a etc ya know. But this got me thinking – why didn’t the Star Wars movies, ya know, like the Bond films, have theme tunes with like the popstars of the day on them? Woulda been rad! And huge for the music industry! I mean they wouldn’t have to have the Ramones do one, even though that’s probably what we all want! I mean they were on that Space Ghost Coast To Coast promoting their Acid Eaters covers album but we’d want original material, ya know! Like Rocket To Russia would be more appropriate especially if like after blowing up the Death Star the Ramones themselves – I mean I guess they’d have to be in the film now – so like they help the rebels blow up the Death Star then they take said rocket and go to the Soviet Union to fight Drago. I mean yeah it’d have to be like all four of them cause they’re like skinny guys living on junk food…

But ya know, like the Bond films, I think we’d want the theme songs to be done by a different band for each film. I mean Shirley Bassey, she’s a whole different story, can’t get enough of her. Imagine her covering Depeche Mode’s Just Can’t Get Enough, for a Bond film no less! And besides ya know you can’t be poaching people who have already done Bond films. Though if that lead to a Star Wars film where James Bond himself was playing a lead role, that’d be pretty amazing!

So like who can we get?  It’s 1977, right? And yeah the John Williams theme tune is classic enough but who’s to say it wouldn’t have been an even bigger movie ya know if like KISS had been in it?! I mean that makes total sense too ya know. Ya got StarChild and Ace as the Spaceman and like Gene Simmons’ make-up coulda easily been like another Darth Vader type character! And then like Peter Criss – don’t you find it weird that with all the different planets they visited in those films you never see one cat! And like if KISS were in Star Wars, woulda saved us all from KISS Meets the Phantom Of The Park. Though I gotta say I do like the acoustic version of Beth from that film…

Then we’ll slate The Ramones in for Empire and then we got Jedi…

I mean 1983 was a killer year for music Would Return of the Jedi have been better if it had a soundtrack of Def Leppard, something from Bowie’s ‘Let’s Dance’, and Metallica? Like the Imperial March is rad and all but imagine adding Seek & Destroy to the Empire’s theme music?!

And then of course I forgot all about why this is happening in the first place, gotta get ol’ Jon Bon himself involved!

I mean Jovi was an actor for a while, he was in Ally McBeal. In one of those high Boston office buildings too. I mean closer to space than here on Earth and ya know legal battles are kinda like wars ya know. I mean lawyers always seem so busy, I don’t know if they’d have time to go see a film called Moderately High When Compared To The Ground…Wars… And it would’ve had to have come out before Legal Eagles I think. Ya know if the Star Wars franchise stood a hope of surviving. But I mean this could be the New Hope they’re talkin about!

And like Calista Flockhart, that’s a name up there with Luke Skywalker! She was as, Jovi himself pointed out in Living On A Prayer, “halfway there”. I don’t mean to imply that Star Wars was some sort of documentary about Ms. Flockhart and Jon Bon Jovi on the set of Ally McBeal…

But wait a minute! Cliff Clavin from Cheers was in Empire Strikes Back! Makes sense too with him being a mailman and he’s in that scene on the ice planet Hoth, I mean Boston gets real cold in the winter! And ya know “neither snow nor rain not heat” etc. – snow is the very first one in the mail carrier’s motto! So like maybe he’s in the mail room at the Rebel Legal Office and he delivers some important maybe even the plans to yet another Death Star if they wanna keep harpin’ on that, delivers em to ol’ C Flock herself. Woah! Should Flock of Seagulls do her theme tune?! That’d be wild! But then like, would Jovi end up composing his own theme tune? I don’t know how I feel about that…

And like legally speaking, Simon Indelicate was the one who pointed this out to me in our interview, so it seems only appropriate that The Indelicates should soundtrack one of the films themselves…

But like they didn’t form until 2005, and I don’t even think in time for Revenge Of The Sith. Unless like, I mean if they were to remake the films now and have a subplot be about a band from the south of England time-travelling in order to get on the soundtrack of the very film we’re all watching! I mean it might be a bit more believable”

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Episode Twenty Seven – Cannonball!

In which Young Southpaw ponders the potential of water-based Cannonball Adderley album covers, Depeche Mode in pie form, if otters – those perfect teatime companions – blink in and out of existence or to Hoth and back, and much much more

Taking in The Beatles, ‘Abbey Road’, Cannonball Run, Meg Ryan, Can, the letter H, ‘Otter Than July’, Star Wars, rattlesnakes, Duran Duran, candy, sugar, etc.

“Does Cannonball Adderley have any album covers of him just jumpin’ into a swimming pool? Cause that would be amazin’, ya know. Summertime fun. Or maybe even in winter ya know, why limit, especially in jazz. And like with cool jazz, maybe it could be like the polar bear club? Him just bounding off an iceberg into the freezing Artic sea. I mean people used to put a lot into their album covers. Well, I mean the Beatles wanted to call Abbey Road Everest but, well I’ve heard different stories, that it cost too much or that they didn’t wanna travel all that way just for a photo. But you got to, ya know! I mean imagine if The Beatles did that?! They coulda been the biggest band in the world! Alright I’m just playin’ with y’all but I mean imagine if John Lennon addressed imagining them making the trip on Imagine? And then we all get sucked into some infinite time loop? But back to Cannonball Adderley cause that’s like the best name ever. He played the alto, ya know – altitude… Maybe he shoulda gone to Everest! I mean what would Abbey Road have been like if it had all hard bop sax lines all over it? Well maybe it did, we don’t know. And they just didn’t make the final mix. Cannonball all doublin’ McCartney when he starts getting’ real into it on Oh Darling. I mean it’s a shame they took out the sounds of Cannonball jumping into the sea on Octopus’ Garden. I mean had he known they weren’t gonna use those recordings, would he still have taken time out of his day to travel down to the beach with a bunch of equipment to do it? But getting’ back to Miles, I mean if Cannonball had been in his band for Birth Of The Cool, shouldn’t that album cover have been Cannonball just shootin’ outta the womb? Knees clasped to his chest with his sax already in his hands? Man, there could be so many album covers. Like when prog started goin’ all wizardy, they could have ol Cannonball jumpin’ off the turrets of a castle. And of course expandin’ it to film, I mean had they known he was gonna die in 1975 they should have moved up the shooting schedule for all the Cannonball Runs. Well, I guess there were only two but I mean didn’t we all – don’t we all – want a third ya know? For the trifecta? Have it just be all crazy jazz with the crazy cars. I mean this would be the best movie ever! Burt Reynolds & Dom Deluise as jazz musicians, drivin’ some sorta crazy, well not a Honda Jazz, though that might actually be the craziest car they could possibly use! Dom Deluise all playin’ a bassoon in the passenger seat, addin’ to the soundtrack. And ya know with the bassoon being a double reed instrument would lead many to conjecture that both Donna and Oliver Reed had been written into the original script as being the dynamic duo who wins it this time. I mean that would be hilarious, ya know. But would that mean that ol’ Cannonball Adderley wasn’t the winner? Of any of the three films? That can’t be right. And which way are they goin’ this time anyway? I mean in the first film it was Connecticut to LA and in number two they were tryin’ to go back the opposite way but they never made it past Las Vegas. Well personally I think they should finish what they started ,ya know like that Van Hagar song, but go back to the city of angels to start fresh and go LA to Connecticut, ya know the Nutmeg State. Well maybe ol Cannonball’s partner could be like Nut Meg Ryan and she’s the favourite, it being her namesake and all. Ya know what’s crazy is that Nut Meg Ryan was also in the film City Of Angels, that remake of Wim Wenders’ Wings Of Desire with Nicolas Cage. Woo! That’d be awesome if her and Cannonball’s car in the film was named Wings Of Desire as a cool little reference ya know. Even though cars don’t have wings. Well did they in The Jetsons? Naw, I guess it was all just space age technology for old George and Jane…

But there’s no need to take it into space. I mean that’d just be cheating. Besides it’s a feel-good summertime movie, for us here on Earth to enjoy. Ya know like that Love & Rockets song, Here On Earth. Well I guess that’s confusin’ my point with the rockets and all. But I mean drivin’ cross country, when’s the best to do it so Donna Reed’s hair doesn’t get all messed up even though she’s not in the movie? Cause summer’s hot man, even if you’re takin the Northern route. And then of course you’re gonna be tempted to go see Paisley Park and ya just won’t have time if you’re gonna win the race…

But summer man… I remember there was that crazy compilation that Fierce Panda put out called Otter Than July which had a Rosita song. Which was that band after Kenickie. It was so good, Sugar, ya know… I don’t know if it’s the same Sugar that that crazy Fall Out Band were later talkin’ about, or even if it was addressing one half of who The Archies were singing to with Sugar Sugar… I mean there’s a lot of sugar in pop music, it’s like all sugar. Well maybe not Depeche Mode ya know. Well definitely after Speak N Spell when Martin Gore took it all to the minor key, ya know. But I mean let’s not be so quick here, cause before I knew that Depeche Mode translates as ‘fast fashion’ ya know, ya got that ‘peche’ in there which is French for peach and you know how I was talking about songs in soup form last time? Well doesn’t have to be just soup, I mean how bout a big ol slice a peach pie, A LA DEPECHE MODE! Ya know, it just like comes with the essence of Depeche Mode in it – not like all the band members, I’m not advocating cannibalism – but like that feeling you get when you listen to Black Celebration or Violator. I guess you could put it in a can. Mix it up with some prime Krautrock ya know. Like Tago Mago or Ege Bamyasi’s the Can album with the can on it, talk about meta. Though I mean of course they’re going to be on their own album – has any band ever done that? Not been on their own album? Cause they’re too busy at the diner orderin’ up slices of peach pie a la Depeche Mode…

How did I get here? Oh yeah, Otter Than July… That’s crazy, ya know. You get rid of an H, and I usually never approve of gettin’ rid of an H ya know. It bein’, well, one of my favourite letters ya know. It’s got the parallel lines like Blondie and then the connecting one like Elastica or The Stones. Kinda says it all about life in one letter ya know, as we travel down, strangers on this road we are on, as Dave Davies sang on that Kinks song. All going straight ahead on our own and that tiny connecting line in the H is the only thing that brings us together. I mean maybe that represents peach pie a la Depeche Mode, somethin’ I assume we can all get behind…

But I mean it’s July right now and I haven’t seen any otters. Though I haven’t seen any otters in a while. I’d love to ya know, like Philippe from Achewood. Be amazin’ to have tea with an otter, ya know. I mean they got two right in their name, always one to share. I mean that’s where they got their reputation as the most sociable animal from, they can share their tea while still keepin’ the two in their name. Something we can learn from the otter kingdom. And probably Mr. T too. The A–Team…T & A… Well, there’s a crass, naw it’s not crass, it’s the human body, what am I sayin’? Or you could go A then T. Like AT-ATs ya know from Hoth in Empire Strikes Back. Hoth in Summertime. I’ve never understood why the first three letters of planet Hoth, the ice planet, were H-O-T HOT ya know? And if you were in Europe you’d pronounce it Hot too, ya know like the silent H in Thames, that river over in London. But I mean there’s no rivers on Hoth ya know, it’s too darn cold. I mean did anyone working on the film raise this issue? Is it some sort of metaphysical conundrum? Are we supposed to be taking it that it isn’t really an ice planet at all, but just pure fire? Then why was Luke all frozen like that? Is it like when you run the bathtub and it’s so hot it actually feels freezing? While burning your skin off, burning from the in-naw, it’s not even burnin’ from the inside. It’s burning from the out-side. Like the opposite of Bauhaus, you know. And it necessitated slicing open a tauntaun – more T’s and A’s right there, and slicin’ it’s like a Pixies and anti-Bauhaus mash up over here. I mean are Tauntauns like Hoth’s version of otters? And Otter Than July, it’s not like otters disappear for some seasons ya know. I think they’re here year round, they just don’t blink in and out of existence. Or do they? Oscillating back and forth between being otters here and tauntauns on the fictional ice planet Hoth? I don’t think it works that way. You could be having tea with them at anytime, or more accurately, they’d be having tea with you – they got teas to spare ya know. I mean what other animals have a double T in their name? I mean I know it doesn’t automatically mean these animals have hot beverages to share. Hmmm… rattlesnakes… not so much… I wouldn’t wanna share no tea with no rattlesnake. Though it might be fun ya know, musical teatime. I’m all confused now, but I mean don’t they have like venom? You never know if you’re gettin’ venomous tea, it’d be a minefield, like rattlesnake tea roulette. Double T in there too. Kinda like when people eat those poisonous Japanese blowfish, it’s the thill of…not dying… Of course it’s not like the blowfish is servin’ themselves up… suicidal… Hootie & The Suicidal Blowfish… maybe not even suicidal. Maybe they’re just offerin’ themselves for the greater good ya know. Like Harrison Ford wanted Han Solo to do in Jedi…

But rattlesnakes, they don’t even have any hands, not a one, how are they going to serve you tea? They’re just sittin’ there shakin’ it, makin’ music, like a tambourine player ya know. Imagine havin’ a live rattlesnake mic’d up onstage. Another one for that John Lennon song, I guess. You’d have to imagine it, you wouldn’t want to do that. Then again bands don’t have tambourine players, it’s usually singers who pick one up when there’s a break in the vocals so they can be doin’ something when they’re not singin’. Ya know smackin’ against their bum and whatnot, the side of their thigh, while they’re doin’ the last chorus or whatever. Imagine doin’ that with a live rattlesnake, that would just be insane! I mean first of all I always picture rattlesnakes as coiled, and you go and grab one by the back of the head, start smackin’ it against ya – cause they’re not that loud ya know, you wouldn’t be able to hear it really – and it’d just be dangerous. And everyone…no one would be payin’ attention to the song, why are they doin’ this in the first place? The whole audience would just be like gobsmacked, thinkin’ when’s this singer gonna die? Or when are they gonna put down the snake ya know. We always have choices ya know. Just put down the snake…

Duran Duran might be into somethin’ like this, ya know Union Of The Snake. But what would it be uniting with? Well maybe…maybe the union is just this rattlesnake fallin’ in love with a tambourine. But you can’t count on this to happen for the live show, it’s not like either of them are actors. So for the performance of Union Of The Snake every night the band just go offstage and a rattlesnake slithers on, sees a tambourine stage right and they fall in love. And if you’re in an arena, how are people gonna see somethin’ that small on stage? I mean even with the video footage, be hard to tell that they’re fallin’ in love. Crazy ideas Duran Duran have sometimes…

And Simon Le Bon seems too smart to be bangin’ a rattlesnake against himself. This whole idea seems like something an up and coming band would be doin’ for attention. Unless they’re like true artists ya know, some sort of…shamen… Just channelin’ whatever…

But bringin’ a rattlesnake in the studio – for that sooooounddd ya know. What if this rattlesnake becomes like a permanent member of your band? Starts demandin’ stuff like Van Halen’s brown M&Ms bowl. Do rattlesnakes eat M&Ms? I don’t know! Maybe they do. Maybe they love M&Ms… I mean I can’t imagine a more appropriate candy. Actually I can, I take it back! I dare stand corrected. Ya know, with their little tongue all flickerin’ out – the Jolly Rancher is the ultimate candy for the rattlesnake. For any snake I would imagine. Well no! I’m not gonna go on record as sayin’ that. Let’s just go with rattlesnakes for now. I mean boas and anacondas where they squeeze the victim, you might want like a Twix. That’d be crazy to try and like squeeze it so the wafer pops out all in one go. In one piece too, and you’re just left with the chocolate, ya know just for the spectacle of seein’ like, of seein’ like the cookie shoot out from the chocolate… like a cannonball!”

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