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Episode Thirty Five – Star Wars With Jon Bon, Ally McB, & Cliffy C

“I don’t mean to imply that Star Wars was some sort of documentary about Ms. Flockhart and Jon Bon Jovi on the set of Ally McBeal”

In which Young Southpaw ponders why the Star Wars films didn’t have theme songs a la the James Bond franchise

Taking in The Indelicates, Thomas Pynchon, Inherent Vice, The Ramones, KISS, Rocky IV, Def Leppard, Metallica, David Bowie, Cheers, Cliff Claven, Hoth, Empire Strikes Back, Shirley Bassey, and much more etc.

 

“So I’m doin another podcast, one where I interview artists I really dig, it’s called Etcetera ETC with Young Southpaw. You can find it at all the places ya know. And last week’s one was pretty eye-opening man. I interviewed The Indelicates, a band I’ve loved for a long time, and Simon Indelicate pointed something out… Now it’s weird man, like I’m not exactly sure his last name is Indelicate, I wouldn’t put money on it, especially against him. But that’s the name of the band and so the last name he uses I’m pretty sure. I mean this is the way things have gone since The Ramones, since the end of last century, or I guess the last fifth of last century, that album came in 1980 I think… But ya know, hey ho, let’s go with it…

But speaking of real names, there was that character in Tommy P’s Inherent Vice novel called Vincent Indelicato. And well I can’t say that I’m not sure that that’s his real last name cause he’s someone that Thomas Pynchon created so like… I don’t know, I mean, he’s obviously a fictional character, but it’s probably the fictional character’s real last name. There was no indication in Inherent Vice that he was, that this was an alias, or that he was even in a band. I mean I doubt he was even in The Indelicates. Man, I guess I missed a trick. That I should have asked The Indelicates have they ever had any fictional characters, by Thomas Pynchon or otherwise, in their band. And then like this guy would have been a bit of a rebel too, insisting on Indelicato while the rest of them are Indeli-cate ya know…

But anyway like Simon Indelicate ya know…aka……..Simon Indelicate… pointed out that Jovi, ya know Jon Bon… his first appearance on record was actually that Star Wars Christmas album that came out in 1980 ya know. Woah same year as The Ramones’ End Of A Century! I wonder what that’s implying. I mean centuries can be used to measure the distance ya know like for a long time ago in a etc ya know. But this got me thinking – why didn’t the Star Wars movies, ya know, like the Bond films, have theme tunes with like the popstars of the day on them? Woulda been rad! And huge for the music industry! I mean they wouldn’t have to have the Ramones do one, even though that’s probably what we all want! I mean they were on that Space Ghost Coast To Coast promoting their Acid Eaters covers album but we’d want original material, ya know! Like Rocket To Russia would be more appropriate especially if like after blowing up the Death Star the Ramones themselves – I mean I guess they’d have to be in the film now – so like they help the rebels blow up the Death Star then they take said rocket and go to the Soviet Union to fight Drago. I mean yeah it’d have to be like all four of them cause they’re like skinny guys living on junk food…

But ya know, like the Bond films, I think we’d want the theme songs to be done by a different band for each film. I mean Shirley Bassey, she’s a whole different story, can’t get enough of her. Imagine her covering Depeche Mode’s Just Can’t Get Enough, for a Bond film no less! And besides ya know you can’t be poaching people who have already done Bond films. Though if that lead to a Star Wars film where James Bond himself was playing a lead role, that’d be pretty amazing!

So like who can we get?  It’s 1977, right? And yeah the John Williams theme tune is classic enough but who’s to say it wouldn’t have been an even bigger movie ya know if like KISS had been in it?! I mean that makes total sense too ya know. Ya got StarChild and Ace as the Spaceman and like Gene Simmons’ make-up coulda easily been like another Darth Vader type character! And then like Peter Criss – don’t you find it weird that with all the different planets they visited in those films you never see one cat! And like if KISS were in Star Wars, woulda saved us all from KISS Meets the Phantom Of The Park. Though I gotta say I do like the acoustic version of Beth from that film…

Then we’ll slate The Ramones in for Empire and then we got Jedi…

I mean 1983 was a killer year for music Would Return of the Jedi have been better if it had a soundtrack of Def Leppard, something from Bowie’s ‘Let’s Dance’, and Metallica? Like the Imperial March is rad and all but imagine adding Seek & Destroy to the Empire’s theme music?!

And then of course I forgot all about why this is happening in the first place, gotta get ol’ Jon Bon himself involved!

I mean Jovi was an actor for a while, he was in Ally McBeal. In one of those high Boston office buildings too. I mean closer to space than here on Earth and ya know legal battles are kinda like wars ya know. I mean lawyers always seem so busy, I don’t know if they’d have time to go see a film called Moderately High When Compared To The Ground…Wars… And it would’ve had to have come out before Legal Eagles I think. Ya know if the Star Wars franchise stood a hope of surviving. But I mean this could be the New Hope they’re talkin about!

And like Calista Flockhart, that’s a name up there with Luke Skywalker! She was as, Jovi himself pointed out in Living On A Prayer, “halfway there”. I don’t mean to imply that Star Wars was some sort of documentary about Ms. Flockhart and Jon Bon Jovi on the set of Ally McBeal…

But wait a minute! Cliff Clavin from Cheers was in Empire Strikes Back! Makes sense too with him being a mailman and he’s in that scene on the ice planet Hoth, I mean Boston gets real cold in the winter! And ya know “neither snow nor rain not heat” etc. – snow is the very first one in the mail carrier’s motto! So like maybe he’s in the mail room at the Rebel Legal Office and he delivers some important maybe even the plans to yet another Death Star if they wanna keep harpin’ on that, delivers em to ol’ C Flock herself. Woah! Should Flock of Seagulls do her theme tune?! That’d be wild! But then like, would Jovi end up composing his own theme tune? I don’t know how I feel about that…

And like legally speaking, Simon Indelicate was the one who pointed this out to me in our interview, so it seems only appropriate that The Indelicates should soundtrack one of the films themselves…

But like they didn’t form until 2005, and I don’t even think in time for Revenge Of The Sith. Unless like, I mean if they were to remake the films now and have a subplot be about a band from the south of England time-travelling in order to get on the soundtrack of the very film we’re all watching! I mean it might be a bit more believable”

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Episode Thirteen – Jimmy Page’s Water Park

In which Young Southpaw elaborates on the theory that Led Zeppelin’s final U.S. tour in 1977 was just an excuse for Jimmy Page to scout locations for a water park in Ohio, proposes that Johnny Marr should have played guitar for Ozzy Osbourne, clarifies that Samuel Taylor Coleridge was NOT in Duran Duran, takes a peek at the alternate universe where Lookout! Records released the Coverdale/Page album, and much more…

Taking in Family Ties, Scrabble, Christopher Columbus, Sandy Denny, occult symbolism, William Burroughs, Aleister Crowley, Iron Maiden, Judas Priest, Mötley Crüe, Guns N Roses, Def Leppard, RATT, Tom Petty, Shania Twain, Metallica, AC/DC, Deep Purple, KISS, Van Halen, The Electric Slide, The Cure, Wet Wet Wet, etc.

“Drive throughs…would be a whole lot more fun, you know..if water slides were involved. Of the ways that this could go, I mean it’s like a cow’s stomach, there’s a lot of ‘em.. But imagine you’re going to get some food, you drive up and order, then park your car, and you get out and go on a water slide. And at the end they give you your food, that sounds amazin’. Or maybe after you order you give your keys to a valet who then drives it to the end of the water slide so it’s waiting for you after you’ve gone down and then eaten. Or like at water parks you could place your order at the top of the water slide then you shoot down and someone passes it out to you just as you’re about to hit the bottom so you can like slide into the end and then walk out just chompin’ down on whatever you ordered you know. Or you know there could be like a big pool at the end where you can relax on a tube and enjoy your meal while you’re floatin’. They’d time it right so it doesn’t get all wet, I mean these are professionals. And you just pay attention to the simple instructions you know…

But this starts from even before we were even born, you know. Comin outta the womb, I mean you mighta had some thoughts… Maybe, maybe you placed some orders in the womb, who can remember that far back? Maybe just orders in the metaphysical sense, like what you expected outta life. And you slide out and…well, maybe eventually…though you might not even know when they’re realized, or maybe you do, you get this sense of something coming together just beyond your comprehension. And speakin’ of sense, are we in a sense, what our parents ordered? Will there need to be some umbilical cord at the water parks to ensure a safe passing off, maybe the first time you do it? Then you gotta cut that thing but the family ties still remain but not in a strictly physical sense anymore. Remember that episode of Family Ties where they’re playin’ Scrabble, and Stephen’s gettin’ all obsessed with the game as is his wont? And he insists that zoquo is a word, you know, from the Greek, meaning ‘water sports’. Well hello theme park! And we were just talkin’ about the mysteries of life, I mean that’s prolly what Zeppelin 4 was all about. I mean who knows the actual name of that record? It seems to be untitled, but people call it Led Zeppelin 4. The band themselves just say ‘the fourth album’. Some say the name is the four symbols on it, and I’ve heard others just say Zoso, which you know, was Jimmy Page’s symbol. I mean it can’t be just a coincidence that Zoso and Zoquo, what Stephen Keaton was sayin’, sound so much alike. I mean this is just one of those incidents when the true meaning of things pops up later in the most unexpected places. Cause if you look at the last Zeppelin tour of America, 1977, they played two nights in Cincinnati, Ohio – shout out to the Afghan Whigs – and then two nights in Richfield, Ohio. That’s a lotta time in one state. And that’s where the Keatons were from, Columbus, Ohio. Named after Christopher Columbus I would guess, double C you know. That’s two hundred in Roman numerals, and we had just had the bicenntenial in 1976 the year before the Zeppelin tour. Well I mean, I think it’s obvious. Jimmy Page was usin’ the tour as cover while he scouted locations in Ohio for his own water park.. Probably pickin up the mantle from Columbus, who hadn’t had the time to find the ideal location for one, and although that may have been his mission, after sailin’ across the Atlantic I imagine the last thing he might wanna do is go down a water slide. Especially if he’d have to build one first. And we were sayin’ before about the four symbols on Zeppelin 4 but actually there’s 5! You know Sandy Denny, sang on Battle Of Evermore. Well she got a symbol too. The three downward pointing triangles. And you know what the downward triangle represents – well, water of course – at least in occult symbolism. You know the upwards triangle is Fire, like that Hendrix song that the Real Red Hot Chili Peppers later covered you know, and makes sense cause fire is both red and hot.

I mean I have heard it conjectured, and now you will have too, that the only reason Jimmy Page was into the Dark Arts, as they call ‘em, you know all that occult stuff, was cause he was tryin’ to get a water park built, you know. Wanted to do it with the least amount of physical effort you know. And as fast as possible. Makes sense to me. I mean what do you think Goin’ To California was about, the beach over there, or When The Levee Breaks…phew! Could it have been more obvious? You gotta prepare for the worst, hope for the best, prepare for the worst. And you know he could channel all that water into something you know like Five Symbols Over Atlantis. Or Water Slides of The Wholly, but you know Wholly spelt with a W you know W H O L L Y so you keep the, well at least the looks of the Ws you know you know like Wim Wenders. Though there’s no V, or well is there? I mean Houses Of The Holy was the fifth Zeppelin album. Though I imagine this water park of Jimmy Page’s would just be called The Ocean, right? I mean keep it simple, you hire PR people that’s what they would tell you to name it. You could do Down By The Seaside but uh. And then the individual rides you know. I mean you’d have Fool In The Rain, based on the Tarot you know. Start the journey, get you soaked. Or maybe it’s a slight drizzle, I don’t know. Black Mountain Slide more like, you know. Moby Dick, Swan Song, these are all aquatic beings…

And then Stairway To Heaven, what else could that be but climbing up to experience the heaven of goin’ down a waterslide? I mean you were thinkin’ waterslide first time you ever heard that title, no? It’s the perfect description of one, now imagine adding to that, you know, gettin’ food delivered to you at the end. Aaaaaaaaand the satisfaction of placing an order at the top and havin’ it be completed, a wish come true, minutes later. Talk about heaven, that’s like Heaven 17, you know. Took their name from A Clockwork Orange. And then The Soft Machine – will there be vending machines at these water parks? I mean if you’re already getting food delivered to you, but then again they might not be delivered en route from one part of the park to another and you might get thirsty on the way. Well anyway, Soft Machine came from that William Burroughs novel of the same name, and then Steely Dan came from his Naked Lunch. But I mean there’s gotta be rules at these water parks you know, sanitation-wise, you gotta be wearin’ something while you eat…

And I don’t know if Page had the idea about servin’ food on the slides too but you got all those Lemons and Tangerines. And then Custard Pie is the first song on Physical Graffiti. And you got Candy Store Rock on Presence right before the 77 tour. And Hot Dog going into Carouselambra on In Through The Outdoor Door, I’m not sure that could be any clearer about eating at an amusement park of some sort…

And Jimmy Page bought Aleister Crowley’s manor you know, right on Loch Ness but he prolly soon realized that the water’s a bit too cold up there you know. And then Ozzy had that song Mr. Crowley, you know, it’s the same person, spelled exactly the same and referin’ to the same person. Crowley himself said ‘it is pronounced Crow-ley, to remind you that I’m holy, but my enemies say Crowley, and wish to treat me foully’, you know. But it’s a wonder that when Jimmy Page left Led Zeppelin, why he didn’t end up playin’ with Ozzy at some point? Seems like the two had a lot in common, you know. That’d be pretty cool. But you know what I’ve always thought…is that you know when Jake E. Leeeeee left Ozzy’s band in 1987 that was just when the Smiths were winding up. I mean wouldn’t it have been rad if Johnny Marr became Ozzy Osbourne’s next guitar player? You could have ‘The Draizey Train’, you know, ‘Panic on the streets of Birmingham’…

And what about intercom systems, ‘paging Mr. Page’, you know. I imagine that never gets old, at least for the people doin’ it. But how does Jimmy Page himself feel about it? How many times has he heard that? How many times does he have to be called over the PA? But I imagine at his water park, that this might be on his mind. Cause if he’s there while they’re building it, and you’d think if he’s spent so much time and effort getting this together, doing a whole Zeppelin tour as cover, well you’d think he’d be there to supervise the building of it, magical or otherwise. And they’re gonna have occasion to call him over the, the tannoy as they say. And then once it’s open they’ll be usin’ it a lot, cause they’re gonna have to be callin for kids who have lost their parents, or a shoe or somethin’you know. Or is he versed enough in magickal lore to know how to, how to divert these things, to take care of ‘em in a different manner. To send like ethereal scouts to just…maybe never have anybody lose anything you know. Unless like their minds if there’s a concert goin’ on there too you know. Or maybe he could just cast a spell a protection over the whole place or who knows! I don’t know what his plans were, ya know. He had a long career in music that kinda overshadowed all this…

But 1977 was the year of the Fire Snake, year of Punk Rock. Double 7’s. Crowley had that 777, ya know. And then there’s Six Flags Over Atlantis, I mean. You know it’s one of the holy elements you know, in both Eastern and Western mysticism – ‘water, water everywhere, but not a drop to drink’. Rime Of The Ancient Mariner, you know. Not the baseball team from Seattle, though it’s interesting they joined the American League in 1977. But Samuel Taylor Coleridge you know. Not one of the Taylors from Duran Duran of course it’s easy to get confused there but then Iron Maiden had that song Rime Of The Ancient Mariner too, ya know from Powerslave. I mean could it be a thing for metal bands to have their own themed water parks? I mean obviously Jimmy Page got there first but I’ve never seen any evidence that he copyrighted the idea. Or maybe you can just have one giant heavy metal water park. Rime Of The Ancient Mariner could be Maiden’s ride. Then you’d have like well, Turbo by Judas Priest. That cover sure looks like a fun slide to go down, that cyclone she’s got in her hand, I mean you’d whip round that. Motley Crue, they could have Wild Slide, ya know, and ya know Too Fast For Love. Ratt – Round and Round, I mean that’s perfect for a water slide. Guns N Roses could recreate that bit in the Estranged video where Axl’s all diving into the ocean you know…

Def Leppard had High N Dy, I mean the cover is a dude divin off a divin board! Maybe they were onto something. I mean the next album was called Pyromania. Well what do you require to put out all that fire? A whole lotta water, as Zeppelin almost sang. And Pyromania starts out with Rock Rock Til You Drop you know…

Tom Petty you know Free Fallin’ and I Won’t Back Down, I can’t think of two better songs that sum up my first experiences with water slides. I remember goin’ and there’s like those ones that are basically a vertical drop. I remember bein’ scared by it all, and Petty really addressed my concerns cause although I was frightened, I definitely wasn’t gonna back down. I mean some would say Petty’s whole career was about water parks, I mean he came from Florida…

But you know gettin’ back to more metal…

Metallica, well they could have…Ride The Lightning. Well, no, I mean that’s not safe mixin’ electricity and water. I mean you don’t wanna be all wet and get struck by lightning, that just seems dangerous. Well it’s dangerous to get struck by lightning anyway…

AC/DC, they got all those High Voltage, Powerage songs, maybe them and Metallica should open an electricity park. Shock Me, you know Kiss gettin’ in on it too, you know the Big, the Big Three. Though I don’t know how an electricity park would work, you know. What you would actually do, but uh, well I don’t know, this prolly isn’t a good idea. I don’t know who would go. You could see Deep Purple tryin to get in on the action too, combining Smoke On The Water you know…

But with electricity there was that whole dance The Electric Slide. I don’t pretend to understand it, I never could get the hang of it, never particularly wanted to, ya know. But I don’t know, I mean did that come about, was that like a test market for Kiss Metallica and AC/DC’s electricity park idea? You never can tell with these things, I mean the music business is a nefarious place, you know. All sorts of things going on at any given time and you know maybe all the music is just a cover you know. Like how Led Zeppelin’s 1977 tour was just to scout locations for water parks. But I mean it brought a lot of people happiness and rock n roll so what’s wrong with that?

But you know speakin’ of AC/DC and Def Leppard, what about Shania Twain? You know Up! Up up up it can only go up from here, etc. I mean imagine if she had like reverse water slides like you start off in the pool at the bottom and then you are somehow transported up to the top and then back down and then up again…Well that sounds a bit far-fetched, you know…

Then there was that whole Coverdale Page project. I mean Whitesnake, you know, that already sounds like a water slide. So does Slip Of The Tongue. Steve Vai on guitar. Well that Coverdale Page album had the Merge road symbol on it, you know, I mean that’d be dangerous. Probably not as dangerous as lightning slides or whatever technology Shania Twain is usin’ but I imagine it’s against the law to have water slides that flow into each other like that. I mean even with the best regulation – lifeguards, lookouts etc. – I imagine if people are cruising down separate tubes at high speeds towards the same part of a water slide – which in music is symbolized by the Coverdale Page album – well I’d think that ‘look out!’ would be yelled quite a bit, and they wouldn’t be talkin’ about Green Day’s first record label. Or you know the alternate universe where LookOut Records were the ones who released the Coverdale Page album, you know, issuing split singles with Operation Ivy and whatnot…

I mean it doesn’t even have to be just metal bands, we’ve already seen it with Shania, Def Lep, and Tom Petty, I mean anybody can open a water park! It’s a free country. Well it is here, I don’t know the rules in Europe but maybe that’s why Jimmy Page was scouting around Ohio. Liberty and justice and water parks for all. I mean that was probably almost the title of Metallica’s fourth album when they realized that water slides would be more profitable than electricity parks. But I mean the Cure could do it, on the Wish album they had From The Edge Of The Deep Green Sea. I mean heck on Disintegration they had The Same Deep Water As You, can’t get anymore blatant than that. AND! right before that was Prayers For Rain, you know, save themselves a lotta money if they’re usin’ natural resources like that. At their water park though I imagine they probably sell versions of the Head On The Door album with the song Sinking, you know quietly removed from the track listing. And the Faith album too has The Drowning Man replaced by their cover of the George Michael song Faith, you know. It’s tricky though with the goths. Does their love of the Cure and the excitement of going to something Cure-themed outweigh their dislike of being out in the Sun in bathing suits? But if it all comes together you’d think The Cure’d make a fortune in suntan lotion…

Then obviously there’s Van Halen, but I mean every water park by default, by the very nature of just being super fun is a Van Halen park, you know

And of course that band Wet Wet Wet should have one, you know. Did they ever cover Hot Hot Hot? I mean that just makes perfect sense to me that that should happen. Perfect sense! I mean of all the things that could ever have happened in the music industry, that seems to be why the music industry should’ve been created in the first place. Though Wet Wet Wet should stress that if they’re servin’ food on their slides you know, that it will not be too soggy to eat”

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Episode Eleven – Bunny Eggs In A Flying Brogue

In which Young Southpaw muses on prophetic breakfasts, what exactly The Who were trying to say about healthy eating habits, and the immortal yet criminally obscure Swedish game of Bonving.

Taking in eggs, Scrabble, augury, Bugs Bunny, A Fish Called Wanda, Prince, Kiss, Gene Simmons, Van Halen, Pet Shop Boys, James Ward, Roger Rabbit, Peter Rabbit, Dante’s Inferno, Trainspotting, Eggstone, astrology, and more.

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Episode Six – The Anthony Burgess Van Halen Connection

“Talk about extremes, Gary Cherone joined Van Halen! Got to play with the old Edward Van, as Anthony Burgess woulda said had he written ‘Clockwork Orange’ in the 80s, you know 1984, and then Anthony Burgess had that 1985 book, and Van Halen are Dutch, what’s the national colour of the Dutch? I think you’ll find it’s orange…”

Young Southpaw traces the not-so-hidden connections between the British novelist and the ultimate hard rock band, taking in along the way the idea that Bad Brains should do a James Bond theme, Billy Joel & Billy Joe Armstrong should duet, using the Eiffel Tower as a unit of measurement, and much more.

“Has Billy Joel figured out why he goes to extremes yet? I mean you think he woulda let us know, you know. I mean figured it out written another song, helped everyone else who has that problem you know. I mean maybe for him it’s just a song but to some people it’s a way a life. I mean to Jovi, you’ll remember last episode, that second Bon Jovi album bein’ called 7800 degrees Fahrenheit, I mean that seems to be the very definition of extreme. Well, I guess you got the band Extreme, you know More Than Words etc. And then for Gary Cherone, their lead singer, I mean talk about extremes, he joined Van Halen! Got to play with the old Edward Van, as Anthony Burgess woulda said had he written Clockwork Orange in the 80s, you know 1984. And then Anthony Burgess had that 1985 book, you know. And you know Van Halen are Dutch and what’s the national colour of the Dutch? I think you’ll find it’s orange. So that woulda made sense, you know. And remember Alex’s eyes are all bug-buggin’ in that one when he’s watching the film? I mean what if he had been watchin’ the Pretty Woman video? I mean who’s eyes aren’t bug-buggin’ as they say when they see that video? It’s like givin’ everyone the Ludovico technique. And I mean doesn’t Alex Van Halen play Ludwigs? I can’t make this stuff up! The old Alex Van playin’ Ludwigs. Man, it’s gettin’ too real!

I mean what did Anthony Burgess write in the late 70s when Van Halen first started releasin’ records? He was probably workin’ on Earthly Powers. Well 1985 came out in 1978. Confusing I know but also the year the first VH record appeared. Then you had Van Halen II in 1979 and then Gary Cherone joined years later for Van Halen III. Years later so it’s kinda like releasing  a book called 1985 in 1978. But I’ve still never heard Van Halen III, I’ll be honest with ya. But you know, I appreciate the legacy. When I saw that Sam & Dave tour back in 2002, Gary Cherone joined Sammy Hagar on stage for some songs. Top Of The World I think, you know, I love that song. I mean people draw lines and of course I mean you know I love Roth but I’ll still listen to Van Hagar, I mean I still love 5150. And Top Of The World, you know. I remember being in the line for the bathroom at that show, you’ll excuse my bathroom talk but it hit me when I was there, like a ton of bricks. The realization that, well I saw this dude I went to college with. Jamie we called him, that was his name. He was in that same line, the one at the show, I don’t remember there bein’ any lines for the bathroom at college. Well not at the university buildings themselves but obviously at parties you know. There were lines as long as the Eiffel Tower. Well you know what I mean, horizontal lines not vertical, but the same distance for both. But if you prefer to look at it like the line to get into the Eiffel Tower well then you’re free to see it that way too. But anyway we weren’t in college anymore, though I’m sure at the same concurrent time – this was 2002 remember, and even nowadays I’m sure – that there are lines for the bathroom while concerts are going on even in the places the concert isn’t. You know what I mean…

So anyway I saw Jamie and he yelled across the line ‘who are you here to see?’ And the question just totally shocked me, you know like that KISS song. But KISS wasn’t playin’. But you know that Gene Simmons recruited Alex and Eddie to play on some demos back in 1976 or so, and I’ve been waitin years for them to come out. Christine Sixteen and a couple others, three in total I do believe. You’d always hear the rumors but now they’ve released that Gene Simmons boxset and it costs $2500 you know. So anyway Jamie asked me who I was there to see and said ‘well Dave of course’. And then this started a whole big argument in the bathroom line – again I’m sorry about the potty talk, but – well that but was an interjection to change the subject, not more bathroom talk, so I didn’t realize that people were there to see Sammy. And it wasn’t like I wasn’t there to see Sammy, you know I love a lot of those songs and it was a good show, Sammy was real good. But it never occurred to me that Dave doing all those songs again wasn’t the main draw. It certainly never occurred to me that there’d be people screamin’ about it across a line for the bathroom, again I’m sorry…

But you know, it takes all types to make a world, people say. And then Roth didn’t play Unchained that night and it broke my heart, broke my heart you know. That’s what I wanted to hear. The most exciting rock song ever written, closely followed by Panama and Everybody Wants Some you know. And you know I think they’ve got the Top 5. Somebody Get Me A Doctor is a real good riff, but I’d put at number 4 Pavement’s Unfair you know, shake em like you just don’t care Steve Malkmus. That song’s real good, I love it. That’s a rocker you know, like that AC/DC song I’m a Rocker, I’m a roller, I’m a right down out of controller you know off Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap. You got all the DCs in there you know, they should toured with Bad Brains. I mean that woulda been the best tour ever! Bad Brains, you got Dr. Know on guitar, Whooooooooah Nelly, you know. And Dr. Know, Bad Brains shoulda done a James Bond theme. That woulda been amazin’. They prolly coulda timed it right, you know, when hardcore was getting popular, right before emo, maybe done GoldenEye, or maybe Die Another Day. Madonna and Bad Brains, you know wow, let me tell you…

I mean that crazy Fall Out Boy band, I mean they remind me a Quicksand. Especially that crazy Sugah song you know, sugah-shoug-shoug. You know ‘down down’ etc. I mean Bond’s always fallin’ outta airplanes you know, maybe they shoulda done a Bond theme. Well I mean the first ones that come to mind are GoldenEye and The Spy Who Loved Me but they weren’t around then. But hey Anthony Burgress wrote an early draft of the screenplay for The Spy Who Loved Me, and I think the whole underwater lair thing was his idea. I mean obviously the ideal would be for Van Halen to do a Bond theme. You got lotsa eyes in the Bond titles, so I’m The One comes to mind immediately or I’ll Wait. I guess we’re all waiting for that. Were they talking about the wait that we’d all face for them to get asked by EON Productions? Did they know it would be this long? Maybe Fall Out Boy and Van Halen should collaborate. And Bad Brains and Madonna! Maybe that could be the whole film, just the four of them in the studio. A bit avant-garde for a blockbuster James Bond film I know, but the times they are a changin’…

But where was I..,oh yeah, extremes you know. Billy Joel. And then you got that Billy Joe from Green Day. That’s just confusin’, imagine if the two of them duetted. Call their song, El Billy. Get the mariachi goin’… or they should cover AC/DC’s Who Made Who, that’d be amazin’! Mariachi style or otherwise… Or do a whole mess a Billy songs – Billie Don’t Lose My Number, Dollar Bill by The Sceamin’ Trees, Billie Jean, I mean that song always confused me growin up. Cause you had that tennis player Billie Jean King, and Michael Jackson was called The King Of Pop and he was the one doing the song. So no, maybe they better skip that one. No need to lead to the Land Of Confusion, like Phil Collins also said. But I never cared for that song and that video you got puppets pressing the button for nuclear war like Anthony Burgess had that book The End Of The World News, and that video’s all too much for people to take who are dealin with the fact that David Lee Roth had just left Van Halen! Well they could do Big Bad Bill Is Sweet William Now, like Van Halen themselves did on Diver Down…

All these Ds… Thinkin back on it Anthony Burgess wrote The Doctor Is Sick, first one I ever read. And then you got Van Halen II’s Somebody Get Me A Doctor, like I said before. And then The Pianoplayers came out in 1986, spookily the same year as 5150. Which if you’ll recall was synthesizer heavy. Don’t get me wrong I love those songs but it was always conjectured that it was the move towards synths and away from guitars that led to the split with Roth. But I’m sure it was much more complicated than that. But what really gets me is that Burgess’ Mozart and The Wolf Gang came out in 1991, the very same year that Wolfgang Van Halen was born. I rest my case.”

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