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Tag: Surreal Comedy

Episode Fifty Eight – Fugazi Hills 90210

“this was pre-internet days, long before you could be watching 90210 and just Google whatever questions you had about the band Anthrax…”

Was Beverly Hills 90210 some sort of bizarre tribute to Fugazi? What if Brenda had started dating Iron Maiden’s mascot Eddie? And what do Faster Pussycat and The KLF have to do with all this?

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Episode Fifty Four – Recastaways

Speaking of Adam Levine’s ‘bands’ comment, why don’t Maroon 5 add two members and remake ‘Gilligan’s Island’? What if the show was re-cast to star all musicians? Instead of Bob Denver have John Denver, Geri Halliwell as Ginger, Public Enemy’s Professor Griff as The Professor?

Taking in The Ramones, Allen Ginsberg, Bruce Dickinson, Leonard Cohen, Marianne Faithfull, Sonic Youth, Fantasy Island, Lulu, Dolly Parton, Kenny Rogers, Kenny Loggins, and much more

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Episode Forty One – Free Jazz: The Musical

Featuring the hit single ‘How Do You Solve A Puzzle Like Ornette Coleman?’ Are Vince Clarke & Alison Moyet involved? And were Bauhaus the first synthpop free jazz band? (No. How could they be?)

Taking in The Damned, The Sound Of Music, The Black Crowes, T.S. Eliot, The Jam, Bela Lugosi, and much more

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Episode Thirty Nine – Schrödinger’s Halen

We all know that Joy Division were an incredibly powerful band, but did any of us realize that they might have become both New Order & Dokken at the same time?

Taking in The Shaize, Van Halen, Love Will Tear Us Apart, Bears, Human League, Buzzcocks, Atomic Kitten, Portugal, The Cure, and much more

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Episode Thirty Eight – The 1982 World Cup Final

“Can you light a gong on fire in goal under FIFA regulations?”

To honour Dutch football legend Johan Cruyff, what if instead of the 1982 World Cup final having been West Germany vs. Italy, the winner of that match went on to play…Van Halen?

Taking in Van Halen of course, Romeo Delight, Unchained, Diver Down, West Germany, Kraftwerk, Italy, Giorgio Moroder, and much more

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Episode Thirty Seven – Van Bowie

What if David Bowie replaced David Lee Roth in Van Halen in 1985? Were the signs there all along? How does House Of Pain play into this? And were Kriss Kross wearing their clothes backwards in an attempt to get back to the time when Roth was in the mighty VH? Young Southpaw investigates

Taking in 1984, Diamond Dogs, Dancing In The Street, The Pointer Sisters, RATT, and much more

“I have a new album out, ‘The Lost Archimedes’. You can get it over on Bandcamp, And on the album I broach the subject that what if David Bowie had replaced David Lee Roth in Van Halen?

I mean makes sense, ya know. Coupling two of the most innovative musicians of the 20th century. Heck, prolly even of the entire Universe since Time Immemorial.

But also ya know, they both had songs called 1984. Van Halen’s the first track on the greatest album ever made, Bowie’s was on Diamond Dogs…Diamond Dave, there ya go! Makes perfect sense…

And they also both covered The Kinks’ ‘Where Have All The Good Times Gone’. A very relevant question after Roth’s departure

And I mean the Bowie Jagger Dancin’ In The Street is a hard thing to reckon with man. But when you realize it came in 1985, the very year Roth left and a mere months after that devastating event. Ya gotta figure it might have been some sort of signaling, ya know. VH themselves had also covered it back on Diver Down – another DD, like Diamond Dogs – an odd way to go about it, but ya know, lettin’ em know that he was available for the position. Gettin’ some moral support from his good buddy Mick

And then like 5150 man, that’s gotta be a nod to the US Festival ya know. Van Halen had a clause in their contract that no one could be paid more than them. So when Bowie was gettin’ a million and a half dolla bills, that brought VH’s fee up to also 1 point 5. 5150 ya know, even and then gettin’ raised up

5150 ya got Inside as the last…song, I guess, if you can call it that… Then Bowie goes and releases 1.Outside, a decade later of course, obviously he’s still smarting that it never happened. Heart’s Filthy Lesson and all that…

BUT!! Before that – and this is HUGE – his feelings best came out a few years before this, in 93 with, well you guessed it – Jump They Say. I mean who else says Jump, ya know…it’s right there…

Well I guess The Pointer Sisters said Jump as well. That woulda been rad, David Bowie bein’ in The Pointer Sisters. They coulda all covered I’m So Excited about Bowie actually joining Van Halen. The gracious sisters of course completely understanding how great it would be for him. Even if they were losing a now vital member…

But hold up a second cause I’m about ta blow yr minds. Bowie put out Jump They Say in 1993… And there’s someone else sayin’ Jump even just the year before. That’s right – HOUSE OF PAIN!!!!

Which if you’ll recall…was a Van Halen song!!! And the last song we ever heard from the original Van Halen, well I shouldn’t even be sayin original, you know what I mean. Last song we heard from Van Halen for quite a while, it bein the final song on 1984 and all…

Who coulda foretold that in the early 90s House Of Pain would become a band. And not only that but their song, their big hit, would be Jump Around! Callin’ back to Jump at the beginning of the 1984 album. And like House A Pain was an old tune of theirs, brought back just for the occasion. And it was also the b-side to the Jump 45. They knew!

I mean it’s kinda like Jump gave birth to House Of Pain. It’s 8 songs before on the record ya know, like 8 months of pregnancy, like House Of Pain was…a month premature. I don’t know, maybe they were just dyin’ to get out and jump around, you know. Reminds me of that chapter in Ulysses, where Joyce mimics the nine months of pregnancy with – sure it does, sure it does, reminds me of that – where Joyce mimics the styles of writing throughout the history of the English language over 9 long paragraphs. But Van Halen’s House Of Pain is 8 months cause it’s pop music, just dyin’ to get out there, it’s very nature. And woah H-O-P Hop! Like jump! Why wasn’t it Hop Around? Well of course because it was Jump that gave birth to it…

And you know if we trace it back from House of Pain we’ve got Drop Dead Legs but you wanna elevate the legs if you’re givin’ birth and then of course Panama! Like the Panama Canal! The waters breaking and like Ulysses was based on the Odyssey which was all about sea travel. And then I’ll Wait is a big clue too! It was 8 years between 1984 and Jump Around, just like the 8 songs! The 8 in the 19-8-E4 – E4 like a chess move – prefiguring the Wu Tang too. But I’ll Wait man, little did we know how long we’d have to wait for Roth to rejoin them. Or if it would ever happen. And I guess Bowie was waitin’ forever

And keeping going backwards, the first word of Panama is Jump! It’s like that song extends beyond the boundaries of time ya know. And if you played the record in reverse Panama would then turn inta Jump! Right after they say that first word! Actually also turn inta that riff that became Top Of The World, same album as Run- around. This is all too much! Though I mean obviously we always knew 1984 had great cosmic energies flowin’ thru it

And of course Van Hagar’s Runaround, man, came out the very year before House Of Pain put out Jump Around. Sure a lot of stuff goin around. Like that Ratt song, Round and Round. Of course if there’s a bunch of rats runnin around you’re gonna be jumpin’ Ya don’t wanna get bit by a rat. Even Warren DiMartini, unless like he could transfer his guitar playin skills to you that way. But that seems like a weird way to get around – here we go again – just practisin’ ya know

The Ramones took an early stance with this, with I Don’t Wanna Walk Around With You, first album 1976, while VH were still recordin’ demos with Gene Simmons

Of course Bowie covered Chuck Berry’s Round And Round early on…

And he had You’ve Been Around on Black Tie White Noise, same album as Jump They Say

But like 1992 when House Of Pain – the band House of Pain came out – was the same year as Kriss Kross. Also with a Jump! I was both really excited and confused at first cause I was expecting Kris Kristopherson to be covering the Van Halen classic. Took me a bit to get used to that that is what it would sound like. But then like slowly I got it ya know, they were wearing their clothes backwards cause they want to get back to a time when David Lee Roth was still in Van Halen. Symbolic, ya know…

But like 1984 being full of cosmic significance, the idea of Bowie being in Van Halen has been around a long time. Maybe even since the beginning of time itself. But as it goes with mysticism, the first hints I can see of it date back to 1972 and 73…

1972 Bowie releases 5 Years, obviously aware that in 1977 VH would be recording their debut album. Of course he would release Heroes towards the end of 77 just to remind us what was coming

And back in 73 he goes and releases a version of Jacques Brel’s ‘Amsterdam’. A nod to the Van Halen brothers homeland of course

Diamond Dogs came out in 1974, same year Eddie and co changed their name from Mammoth to Van Halen. Bowie keeping the animal symbolism going as well as the Diamond of Diamond Dave as previously mentioned. And putting out the song 1984 like that was such a bold statement of intent

And then like who else could he have been referring to with Young Americans? Setting aside for a moment that their last name is clearly Dutch, cause of course they embody the very spirit of American Rock N Roll. Heck the very spirit of America

And the overtones keep goin’, 1980 ya know, both albums Scary Monsters & Super Creeps…gotta save the Women & Children First of course

And then like off Fair Warning we had So This Is Love? and Hear About It Later, which of course we did – two years later – Bowie bringing out Modern Love to answer their question

Offa Let’s Dance…Let’s Dance The Night Away ya know… And like what else would you light up the sky with but Ziggy Stardust?!

Heck maybe even Changes was about all this. Ya know, the darker side. Obviously you’d start putting it out in 1971 that Roth might leave Van Halen, a band that didn’t even exist yet, ya know to make sure people were prepared. Of course no one could ever be prepared but Bowie should be lauded for tryin’…

And I gotta think Roth woulda been cool with it ya know, being replaced by…I mean this is David Bowie we’re talkin about”

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Episode Thirty Six – Bizarre Bear Triangles

Was an early version of Love Will Tear Us Apart written by the ancient Greeks? Were New Order slated to cover the entire Wizard of Oz score for the So I Married An Axe Murderer soundtrack? Did The Pixies think Salvador Dali might have replaced Ian Curtis in Joy Division?

Young Southpaw investigates.

“Love will tear us apart, I mean maybe ya know. I guess that’s a possibility. I’d certainly never thought of that before I heard the song. That’s kinda dark. Though you look at those photos of Joy Division, they’re all black and white as well, real gloomy…

But ya know love, maybe… like I said, but ya know what would definitely tear a couple apart? Bears! I mean why wasn’t it Bears Will Tear Us Apart? Same number of syllables, ya know? I’d have to think that just by using logic Ian Curtis woulda thought of that before love occurred to him. Comes first alphabetically too! In case like the charts were rigged that way. I guess A would be even better but… Can’t think of anything…axes? Nah, see that’s two syllables. And they more chop apart than tear. Though that So I Married An Ax Murderer had a pretty good soundtrack ya know. Ned’s Atomic Dustbin doin’ Saturday Night by the Bay City Rollers. Boo Radleys coverin The La’s There She Goes. Suede with My Insatiable One. Now that’s pretty dark when you’re talking about ax murderers. Insatiable, woo. I wonder if New Order were even considered for that soundtrack? They coulda done like…well Lions & Tigers & Bears was a chant, not really a song. But ya know how they had a certain fondness for like frog noises and whatnot, on singles no less? They coulda thrown the Lions & Tigers & Bears chant into their tune for the So I Married An Ax Murderer soundtrack. A knowing nod to their secret history. But wait a minute like what if New Order…covered the entire Wizard of Oz soundtrack… And like if you pressed play on it at the beginning of So I Married An Axe Murderer it was like the most psychedelic experience ever!

But I mean yeah again axes and definitely axe murderers chop more than tear. Could be a combo I guess. Not so snappy of a song title though, ya know – Axes & Axes Murderers Will Chop & Tear Us Apart. Rarely do such themes make it into the singles charts. Though So I Married An Axe Murderer was ultimately a film about love. So this is quite problematic…

But like what strictly tears? Eyes I guess, not in the same way of course. That’d be crazy if tears…teared…tore? I mean now we’re in Pixies territory, no pun intended. Though I don’t know, who knows the inner workings of my mind and what it means to intend and whatnot? But that’d be crazy if Debaser was actually a cover of Love Will Tear Us Apart. Done to point out exactly what I’m saying here about the tearing. Imagine if Salvador Dali went on to sing for Joy Division, they just kept the name after Ian passed and like Peter Murphy ended up bein’ their chauffeur. And that’s what that Duran Duran song is about! That makes perfect sense!

Though if it was a bear drivin’ a car, like if Peter Murphy couldn’t make it to work one day. I mean I assume if Peter Murphy was going to get someone to replace him, bear or otherwise, he’d make sure they could drive. Heck they even had that Spy In The Cab, he’d totally know who he was putting in charge of cartin Joy Division around. Heck, it might even be too much of a system. But let’s just say, like there’s a communication breakdown, Jimmy Page workin’ some dark magic ya know, and a bear who doesn’t have a license, doesn’t even know how to drive, has prolly never even been behind the wheel of a car before – or any vehicle, tractors and gold carts included – let’s just say this bear finds himself there. What can he do? Does his best, I’m sure. But there is a very real danger that this bear…could tear them apart… Just by wrapping them around a tree or somethin’. And the car, car would go first. This could be what the songs Confusion and True Faith are about, heck maybe even Everything’s Gone Green – ya know this bear just taking them all back to the woods where he knows it’s safe. Rather than on busy city streets with radio stations refusin to play Axes & Axe Murderers Will Chop And Tear Us Apart

But like back to what I was sayin’ about alphabetically, eyes would be out cause E comes after B. Though like Bear’s Eyes Will Tear Us Apart does sound real cool and poetic, heck even more intriguing than Love. Lots of people fall in love, or claim to for whatever reason. But how often do you come face to face with a pair of bear’s eyes? Then like they could be crying, the tears tearing apart…it’s all startin’ to make sense now… And like Paddington Bear, ya know! Keepin’ it English. I’m not sayin’ Paddington Bear was violent at all. And neither am I sayin’ Joy Division should have been playing children’s television shows. If that’s what you’re taking away from this, let me correct your misconceptions. Though I mean I don’t wanna take money outta their pockets either. I mean kids prolly woulda liked Dali’s moustache, not payin’ so much attention to the sounds coming out of the speakers…

Huh… Though there’s prolly some copyright stuff with Paddington Bear but like ya know I mentioned they liked sampling animal noises, I imagine since those were still early days of electronic music you’d need a live bear at some point in the equation. Like musos didn’t regularly have authentic bear samples on hand. I mean where do ya go? Well Liverpool, of course! Bill Drummond and Dave Balfe got Zoo Records going…

Woah, speakin’ of bears and Liverpool, there was that band Care  ya know. Paul Simpson and Ian Broudie. Care Bears ya know, woo! They had that tune Flaming Sword. Imagine facing that on the dancefloor! That’ll tear you apart. Well, I guess more slice though. But still, Care Bears With A Flaming Sword, now we’re talkin!

There were apparently a lot of animals in Liverpool at the time, certainly enough for a zoo – Lori & The Chameleons, Wild Swans, even Bunnymen – and then like all that Beatles memorabilia of course. Other cities prolly had Zoo Envy. Well how bout Zoos Will Tear Us – or heck Zeus! Will Tear Us Apart. I mean his lightning certainly would. Split you right in half. Like that Smiths song you know. And the Greeks woulda been fond of division too. Archimedes and his crew, all those cats. Maybe they even wrote Zeus Will Tear Us Apart and it’s just been floatin in the ether ever since for Ian Curtis ta pick up on thousands a years later. I mean I wonder how many songs this happens for…”

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Episode Thirty Four – Dirty Dancing

In which Young Southpaw wonders if there are plotlines to Dirty Dancing we’re not picking up on, in part due to it coming out in the aftermath of David Lee Roth leaving Van Halen

Taking in soup, The Kinks, Margaret Keane’s big eye paintings, Vera Chytilova’s Daisies, food fights, time travel and other experiments, New Order, etc.

“I really wish I could get over the fact that I’ve Had The Time Of My Life and Hungry Eyes could not possibly be of the time period Dirty Dancing deals with!

I mean I was doin fine, hadn’t thought of this in quite a while. And then some days ago I was out at the supermarket hoping against hope for some soup, and the radio started playin’ Hungry Eyes. Which – WOAH! I mean now that I think about it is a genius thing to be playin where they sell food. Well I mean in principle, just slippin it in, arrogantly thinking people aren’t gonna equate it with the phrase ‘your eyes were bigger than your stomach’. Such bravado, ya know. But obviously they didn’t count on the effect it would have on me. Just send me into a state of confusion, like that Kinks album ya know, came out in 1983 while Dirty Dancing didn’t hit theaters until 1987. So the two of them spanning David Lee Roth being both in and out of Van Halen – like a Schrodinger’s Cat, I guess – a Schrodinger’s Roth….

But I heard that song, I forgot all about food and just started ponderin’ ya know. Well heck brooding wouldn’t be strong a word for it!

Cause it bugged me out, ya know. I mean first of all, eyes aren’t hungry. That’s a property of the stomach, ya know. But then I started questioning myself, like was there some sort of scientific development in the mid-80s where they were testing these things that I just completely missed out on?

Or ya know, like during the time that Dirty Dancing was supposed to take place, was there some sorta scientific research going on, and there’s this underlying theme that no one really picked up on in the movie? That like it was about eating…with your eyes… I mean it didn’t seem like a horror movie. Well, maybe to some… And that whole phrase ya know ‘your eyes were bigger than your stomach’, that doesn’t even make any sense. Of course they’re not…or weren’t…to keep the tense right… Though there’s those big-eyed paintings, ya know. Margaret Keane. But even then, I don’t think they’re bigger than an actual stomach. And I mean, you’d never say this to a cow, they’ve got 4 of ‘em! They’d be all like – which stomach, yo?

And again, Margaret Keane didn’t paint any visible stomachs in those big eye portraits or at least there’s none I’m aware of. So it’s impossible to make that call…

But wait! Is that what those pictures were all about?! The before photos, when they ordered too much food! Are there after photos anywhere? Maybe hidden on the sets in Dirty Dancing?

And ya know the sayin’ is meant to imply you thought you could eat more than you could, ya know. So it all boils down to money. Cause you’re wastin’ food. Unless someone else eats it, and then like, how big are their eyes?

But is there a part of the body that corrolates to money? Like the stomach does to food? But like, what if you eat your own eyes? That would be a problem…for many reasons…

No one does this…that I know… tryin’ to teach the eyes a lesson like…so you’re not orderin’ more food than you could possibly consume again on a future occasion. But I mean in this case it makes sense to ya know, scarf down one’s own eyes. Like an eye for an eye, have the punishment fit the crime. So an eye for a stomach, a little twist there. Maybe a twist of lemon to make it more palatable…

But there weren’t any major food scenes in Dirty Dancing, that I can remember… I mean they were eating breakfast and whatnot when Baby’s all talkin’ to her Daddy. But I mean Dirty Dancin and food, was it dirty because there was like a food fight ya know that they’re dancin’ in? I mean that seems more messy than dirty. But like at the end of that Czech film Daisies from the 60s…ya know Vera Chytilova… I mean hardly seems like it could’ve inspired Dirty Dancing… But I can’t rule that out. The 80s were a weird time. I mean David Lee Roth had just left Van Halen… I mean if they were gonna use modern songs, they shoulda done Dance The Night Away ya know? Or ya know maybe change it to Dirty Jumping?

And like, well, I’m just gonna say it! After Roth had left Van Halen we had enough to contend with with that fact alone. We weren’t really prepared to deal with I’ve Had The Time Of My Life and Hungry Eyes. It not being in any way possible that they could have come from 1963 when the film takes place. I mean I guess in the confusion maybe they thought they could just sneak that in and no one would mind cause they’re still dealing with Roth’s departure…

But if we take it at face value, that this was on purpose – a layer to the film that we’re supposed to pick up on – I mean the only thing that really solves it…is time travel, ya know? I mean Back To The Future had come out a couple years before… But I mean, it’s tough cause as far as I can tell, and I’ve seen Dirty Dancing multiples times, it seems to be constantly on television…and maybe even on other mediums we don’t even know about… but as far as I can tell, you never see the time travelers in that film. I mean please message me if I’m wrong. Though wait a minute, I’ll be so embarrassed if it’s like completely obvious…

But like if you don’t see the time travelers, that also means you don’t see them eating. So I mean…wooo-eeee! I just don’t know how to resolve this one

And it’s been what? 33 years since it came out?! I mean maybe, since this is a soundtrack related issue, when it turns 33 1/3 they’ll send out an official statement explaining it all…

Though woah! I should put in a disclaimer right now – I have not seen the musical. If they do explain it all – ya know, with the eye stomach experiments and all the time-travel – in the stage show then I apologize for wasting y’alls time

And let me know, please. I mean if they address all these issues in the musical – maybe even produced the show as its raison d’etre, to clear it all up – then I should go see it, set my mind at ease…

And She’s Like The Wind too! Almost forgot about that one. While the hungry eyes studies were going on were there also concurrent experiments with weather and invisibility? All going on at this resort in the Catskills in 1963?

BUT WOAH!!! That New Order song 1963, ya know the b-side to True Faith. That came out in 1987! Why wasn’t that on the soundtrack?! Woulda cleared a lotta this up!”

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